Let Slip the Dogs of Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is considered the greatest writer of all time, according to the people who consider such things. But if that’s the case, why does he give dogs such a bad time?

Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men;

As hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs,

Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'clept

All by the name of dogs: the valued file 

Distinguishes the swift, the slow, the subtle,
The housekeeper, the hunter, every one

According to the gift which bounteous nature

Hath in him closed.
- Shakespeare, Macbeth

He talks about the “dogs of war” in Antony and Cleopatra, and King Lear whines about the little dogs that bark at him. Julius Caesar says he would “rather be a dog, and bay the moon,
 than such a Roman.” Since he doesn’t think highly of the Roman in question, this isn’t really a strong selling point for dogs.

I think the answer lies in Two Gentleman of Verona, a play where a comic relief character by the name of Launce complains about his dog at length in an oft-repeated monologue.

I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. … Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!
- Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona

There's considerably more to that monologue, but it doesn't matter. Nobody ever hears a word of it. Everyone’s too busy paying attention to the dog, who’s usually scratching himself in inappropriate places – or worse.

There’s a reason WC Fields refused to work with children or animals – they get all the laughs. Shakespeare, himself an actor as well as a playwright, clearly envied the applause his canine companions would get.

Yes, that’s right – Shakespeare was jealous of dogs. It’s not a popular literary theory, but I stand by it just the same. (I also think Shakespeare was actually a pseudonym used by Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford, so what do I know?)