Newsprint and Dog Biscuits

Throughout my life, the dogs have always been awake before I am.

That’s not a huge accomplishment nowadays, but back in the early 80s when I was a freshly scrubbed paperboy delivering copies of the Los Angeles Daily News, I was out on the street at 5:00 AM. The paper route was initially small enough that I could walk the whole thing in about 45 minutes, lugging several dozen newspapers in a makeshift, two-sided gunnysack that was serviceable without being sexy.

I learned early in my career that delivering papers directly to people’s doorsteps instead of in their driveways made for really good tips at collection time. I even went so far as to pick up the copy of the far-superior rival newspaper, the LA Times, and bring that up to the doorstep with me.

That’s where the dogs come in to the story.

When you fling a paper on a driveway from a moving car, the dog generally doesn’t have an opinion on the matter. But when you’re tromping around in a big canvas bag to the front door, they tend to notice.

They notice, and then they bark.

I tried to avoid this by tromping more quietly, but I soon discovered that it wasn’t the noise; it was the smell. I had a distinctive inky, newsprinty, prepubescent paperboy odor that the dogs could sniff out from thirty yards away. Most of these dogs were outside, right behind a fence near the front door, and they began to bark like mad when I came into range. This was kind of unpleasant for the customers who preferred to sleep through their newspaper delivery process. I needed to fix this.

The solution? Dog biscuits.

All it took was a handful of Milkbones hurled across the fence upon my approach, and the barking stopped instantly. There was a lot more scurrying as the dogs went to collect their bounty, but I was usually out of there before any canines could get angry and start yelping for more. The one exception to this was the house with two mountain-sized St Bernards, who stared out at me and started slobbering upon my approach. I would hurl a biscuit across the fence, and then they’d catch in their mouths and swallow it whole. It was fascinating and disturbing at the same time.

Looking back, I’m not sure how happy the owners would have been had they known that their paperboy had become a significant component in their dog’s daily diet regime, but it didn’t matter to me at the time. All I cared about was that the dogs were quiet, the paper was delivered, and I got a big tip that month.

Besides, what did they care? They got to stay asleep!