How to Housebreak

Much is made about how divided we are as a nation, yet there are still several undeniable truths that everyone can agree upon. Here are the top three:

1. There’s no such thing as a good toupee.
2. Bob Dylan should never have recorded a Christmas album.

And, most importantly,

3. Nobody wants an incontinent dog.

Training your dog not to pee on the furniture is, or should be, the first order of business for any pet owner. And that’s an important first priority, because experts say that the whole housebreaking process should take place between the ages of eight and twelve weeks old. (Or between fifty-six and eighty-four weeks in dog weeks.) The idea that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks doesn’t matter much when you’re talking about teaching a dog to fetch a ball, but if your dog reaches his first birthday and is still leaving you unwanted presents around the house, that’s a bit more of a problem.

For younger dogs, the idea of setting up a crate where the dog can sleep is very helpful, as dogs aren’t willing to soil their sleeping turf. This crate shouldn’t be a place where the dog goes when he’s being punished, and the dog shouldn’t spend more than a couple of hours there at a time. Since puppies, on average, have to relieve themselves every three hours or so, their schedules will usually accommodate benign, short-term incarcerations.

Dogs are essentially creatures of habit, so if you take them out to do their business at the same time every day, they’ll be sure to hold it in until their appointment. The more regimented you can make this process, the better. Try taking the dog out the same door for each potty break, because then they’re more likely to scratch at that door the next time they want to get out for any future, unscheduled private time.

As always, praise is the greatest reinforcement you can provide. You don’t even have to be specific about the quality or quantity of the dog’s output – just “good boy” and a pat on the head will probably suffice. You’ll never know just how far a little praise can go. If my parents had been willing to do that for me during my own potty training, I’d have probably become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.