The Alpo Drop

It's been famously said that the difference between dogs and cats is that you can leave a cat for a few days with a big pile of food and a clean litter box, and all will be well. You try the same thing with a dog, however, and he'll eat the whole thing in three seconds and leave enough poop around the house to last a lifetime.

I've never owned a dog that was satisfied with dry dog food. In fact, I've never had a dog who didn't finish the meal I gave him before it hit the ground. That's a literal fact, and, while it may not speak well for me, I thought I'd pass along these feeding tips for people who don't want to be troubled with taking more than a full minute to provide a dog with a meal.

I called it the Alpo Drop. Don't worry - it works with generic brands, too.

Our dogs growing up were big ol' beasts - German Shepherds, black labs, and a Bernese Mountain Dog. The minute you pulled the Alpo out of the pantry, the tails started wagging, the dogs started yelping,. and the expectation was that unless you opened said can and plopped it in their mouths, they would probably eat you. So that didn't give me much time to respond.

I used an electric can opener and opened the Alpo, and I would pound the side of the can against the counter top precisely three times. That loosened the slop within enough that I could then shake it out of the can. It held its shape as it slurped out, like some kind of meaty gelatin. With these dogs, the food never hit the floor. In fact, it barely made it out of the can. They would open their mouths and seemingly swallow it whole.

I don't know if this was good for them, or whether you folks should try this at home. All I know is that I could be watching some stupid sitcom and feed the dogs during the commercial break when Lorne Greene was selling Alpo.

I don't sell Alpo. I live it!