Batman!

This is very, very stupid. Which, of course, is why I love it.

L.A. Pooch Party

From the Los Angeles Times:

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The invitation to downtown Los Angeles' fourth annual Dog Day Afternoon kindly requested the company of canines "of all shapes, sizes and faiths."

But there were two caveats: First, the party was exclusively for the dogs of downtown residents. Second, admittance was granted to "social dogs only, please."

The party, held on the sandstone plaza of the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, was a chance for downtown's many types of dogs, and people, to socialize.

As jazz music played and a late-afternoon wind blew, a steel gray pit bull nosed up to a shivering Chihuahua, three golden retrievers frolicked in a circle, and a guy on roller blades and very short shorts chatted up a man in a business suit.

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"I see my neighbors, I see people from the party last year, and I see some dogs who have really grown up," Curtis Lovell II said. Lovell, a downtown loft resident — and the guy in the shorts — was there with his dachshund, Giorgio.

The party last summer, Lovell said, "was one of our first doggie social events, so we had to come back."

Several downtown doggie day care centers and pet boutiques handed out goody bags, and dog walkers handed out business cards. One man had the unenviable task of trolling the grounds with a canister of water and a hose, "for when the dogs do their little business."

More than 500 dogs and nearly 1,000 humans signed up for the event, said Hal Bastian, vice president of the Downtown Business Improvement District, the party's sponsor.

Bastian, the self-proclaimed proud father of Scooter, an exceptionally well-groomed Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever. Scooter was, according to the invitation, one of the party's official hosts. The other was Joaquin, a black Labrador that belongs to Msgr. Kevin Kostelnik.

Kostelnik said he approached the business improvement district about throwing a gathering for dogs after he realized there were few open spaces in downtown where dogs could run.

"God loves all his creatures," Kostelnik said. "And pets bring people together."

Kostelnik was proud that in four years of hosting the event, "we've never had a dog fight."

Cardinal Roger Mahony was at the party, too, posing for photographs with people and their dogs. Despite appearances, though, Kostelnik says "the cardinal is a cat man."

Is There a Dog Heaven?

My wife thinks that perhaps we shouldn’t root for a dog heaven, because all of our dogs won’t be there. The dog that pooped in my son’s ear is definitely doomed to eternal damnation – not because of the pooping, which we have forgiven, but his biting of numerous children without provocation that has sealed his eternal fate. (Although the pooping didn’t help.)

Our first cat, Bazzard, died in a car accident, and it’s likely that he’s now engulfed in hellfire, because, well, he was kind of a jerk. Of course, the reality of a dog heaven does not necessarily mandate the reality of a cat heaven, because if there is a cat heaven, it’s probably a very, very small place.

As far as the theology goes, there are very different takes on the subject. According to an ABC News poll, 47% of us believe that dogs do go to heaven, while 35% said no. (That’s a very cold-hearted 35%, if you ask me. Or perhaps their dogs have all pooped in their ears.)

For serious consideration from a Christian perspective, I direct you to this website, which maintains that most people aren’t going to heaven, so it doesn’t really matter if pets are there, too. The official Catholic teaching, apparently, is that dogs do not go to heaven, because their souls are not subject to resurrection. However, there are thousands of slightly heretical priests who say something different to individual grieving pet owners.

Islam teaches that animals will be judged alongside humans, and that animals that take advantage of other animals will be turned to dust. However, those who live in paradise can have everything they want, so if they want their pets, they can have them, dust or no. No word on whether the dusty animals will stay dusty if a pet owner wants them.

Judaism is entirely vague on the subject of animal afterlife, which is not surprising, since it’s somewhat vague on the concept of human afterlife, too. Same is true of Buddhism. Hinduism maintains that dogs are part of the cycle of reincarnation, and they eventually become human souls, so it’s all good.

My take: Dog is God spelled backwards. As far as I’m concerned, that’s all anyone needs to know.

Scratch Where You Itch

I was listening to a popular radio talk show where a woman was worried about making things right with her estranged husband. The host listened patiently and finally said, “Look, it’s very easy. Men are simple creatures – keep them fed, let them sleep, and give them lovin’ every once in awhile, and you’ll have a happy man.”

As a man myself, I consider that solid advice.

There’s a reason why dogs have become known as “Man’s Best Friend,” not “Woman’s Best Friend.” That reason is mostly sexism, but not entirely. I like to think it’s because men and dogs have way too much in common. Women are complicated and sophisticated, whereas men and dogs enjoy scratching and licking things that ought not be scratched or licked, except by trained professionals in laboratory conditions.

So thrilling your dog is not really a difficult thing to do.

If you doubt that, then try my patented dog-thrilling method. One of the first Laws of Doggism is that dogs will inevitable scratch any part of their body that they are capable of scratching. So to thrill your dog in ways that you never thought possible, all you have to do is scratch a dog in the one place that they cannot scratch themselves.

(No, not there. Dogs can scratch there.)

I’m talking about the spot on their back, right above their tails. That little tiny spot that connects the tail and tush and is out of reach to even the most nimble doggie leg. You’ll think you discovered a Tail Wagging Button, because the tail will begin to wag at the moment of first contact. If it doesn’t, there’s either something wrong with your dog or you’re scratching in the wrong place.

Ladies, that last sentence is also the best marital advice I could ever give you.

Simone to the Rescue

The story goes that we were babysitting a dog named Simone – a lovely pit bull with a sweeter disposition than the breed’s reputation would suggest. My two-year-old daughter adored her, and she liked to show her off to as many people as would pay attention.

So she took Simone for a walk.

Ordinarily, this would not be cause for alarm. But my daughter had no leash, no permission, and no clothes. Unbeknownst to her parents, this little girl decided to wander out into the street in her underwear with a dog by her side.

We found out when the police decided to return both Simone and my daughter to our doorstep. They were slightly perturbed that we had taken no notice of her dog excursion. I’m not quite sure how they found her house, as my daughter wasn’t speaking in complete sentences. The most likely scenario is that our neighbors turned us in, but I like to believe that Simone was looking out for us.

I mean, how many times did Lassie let her owners know about a fire or a burglary or a protracted labor dispute? All she had to do was bark a few times. Simone didn’t bark, but her eyes spoke volumes. Is it too much to believe that the police took one look at her sad, forlorn face and knew exactly where she belonged?

Yes, it is. But I choose to believe it anyway. Dogs make the world a better place, especially for lost, naked children who get picked up by the police.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

The absence of Conan O'Brien from the airwaves means that the funniest talking dog in history is in limbo, looking for a home.

If you've never seen Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, you're either easily offended or seriously deprived.

Behold Triumph's finest hour: at the premiere of Attack of the Clones in 2002...

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog - Star Wars - watch more funny videos

Let Slip the Dogs of Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is considered the greatest writer of all time, according to the people who consider such things. But if that’s the case, why does he give dogs such a bad time?

Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men;

As hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs,

Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'clept

All by the name of dogs: the valued file 

Distinguishes the swift, the slow, the subtle,
The housekeeper, the hunter, every one

According to the gift which bounteous nature

Hath in him closed.
- Shakespeare, Macbeth

He talks about the “dogs of war” in Antony and Cleopatra, and King Lear whines about the little dogs that bark at him. Julius Caesar says he would “rather be a dog, and bay the moon,
 than such a Roman.” Since he doesn’t think highly of the Roman in question, this isn’t really a strong selling point for dogs.

I think the answer lies in Two Gentleman of Verona, a play where a comic relief character by the name of Launce complains about his dog at length in an oft-repeated monologue.

I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. … Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!
- Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona

There's considerably more to that monologue, but it doesn't matter. Nobody ever hears a word of it. Everyone’s too busy paying attention to the dog, who’s usually scratching himself in inappropriate places – or worse.

There’s a reason WC Fields refused to work with children or animals – they get all the laughs. Shakespeare, himself an actor as well as a playwright, clearly envied the applause his canine companions would get.

Yes, that’s right – Shakespeare was jealous of dogs. It’s not a popular literary theory, but I stand by it just the same. (I also think Shakespeare was actually a pseudonym used by Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford, so what do I know?)