Scratch Where You Itch

I was listening to a popular radio talk show where a woman was worried about making things right with her estranged husband. The host listened patiently and finally said, “Look, it’s very easy. Men are simple creatures – keep them fed, let them sleep, and give them lovin’ every once in awhile, and you’ll have a happy man.”

As a man myself, I consider that solid advice.

There’s a reason why dogs have become known as “Man’s Best Friend,” not “Woman’s Best Friend.” That reason is mostly sexism, but not entirely. I like to think it’s because men and dogs have way too much in common. Women are complicated and sophisticated, whereas men and dogs enjoy scratching and licking things that ought not be scratched or licked, except by trained professionals in laboratory conditions.

So thrilling your dog is not really a difficult thing to do.

If you doubt that, then try my patented dog-thrilling method. One of the first Laws of Doggism is that dogs will inevitable scratch any part of their body that they are capable of scratching. So to thrill your dog in ways that you never thought possible, all you have to do is scratch a dog in the one place that they cannot scratch themselves.

(No, not there. Dogs can scratch there.)

I’m talking about the spot on their back, right above their tails. That little tiny spot that connects the tail and tush and is out of reach to even the most nimble doggie leg. You’ll think you discovered a Tail Wagging Button, because the tail will begin to wag at the moment of first contact. If it doesn’t, there’s either something wrong with your dog or you’re scratching in the wrong place.

Ladies, that last sentence is also the best marital advice I could ever give you.