Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Simone to the Rescue

The story goes that we were babysitting a dog named Simone – a lovely pit bull with a sweeter disposition than the breed’s reputation would suggest. My two-year-old daughter adored her, and she liked to show her off to as many people as would pay attention.

So she took Simone for a walk.

Ordinarily, this would not be cause for alarm. But my daughter had no leash, no permission, and no clothes. Unbeknownst to her parents, this little girl decided to wander out into the street in her underwear with a dog by her side.

We found out when the police decided to return both Simone and my daughter to our doorstep. They were slightly perturbed that we had taken no notice of her dog excursion. I’m not quite sure how they found her house, as my daughter wasn’t speaking in complete sentences. The most likely scenario is that our neighbors turned us in, but I like to believe that Simone was looking out for us.

I mean, how many times did Lassie let her owners know about a fire or a burglary or a protracted labor dispute? All she had to do was bark a few times. Simone didn’t bark, but her eyes spoke volumes. Is it too much to believe that the police took one look at her sad, forlorn face and knew exactly where she belonged?

Yes, it is. But I choose to believe it anyway. Dogs make the world a better place, especially for lost, naked children who get picked up by the police.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Of Dogs and Men

This is a column by Charles Krauthammer that was published back in 2003. It has stuck with me since then, and I thiought I'd share it with you. You can read the original here.

__________

The way I see it, dogs had this big meeting, oh, maybe 20,000 years ago. A huge meeting — an international convention with delegates from everywhere. And that's when they decided that humans were the up-and-coming species and dogs were going to throw their lot in with them. The decision was obviously not unanimous. The wolves and dingoes walked out in protest.

Cats had an even more negative reaction. When they heard the news, they called their own meeting — in Paris, of course — to denounce canine subservience to the human hyperpower. (Their manifesto — La Condition Feline — can still be found in provincial bookstores.)

Cats, it must be said, have not done badly. Using guile and seduction, they managed to get humans to feed them, thus preserving their superciliousness without going hungry. A neat trick. Dogs, being guileless, signed and delivered. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I must admit that I've been slow to warm to dogs. I grew up in a non-pet-friendly home. Dogs do not figure prominently in Jewish-immigrant households. My father was not very high on pets. He wasn't hostile. He just saw them as superfluous, an encumbrance. When the Cossacks are chasing you around Europe, you need to travel light. (This, by the way, is why Europe produced far more Jewish violinists than pianists. Try packing a piano.)

My parents did allow a hint of zoological indulgence. I had a pet turtle. My brother had a parakeet. Both came to unfortunate ends. My turtle fell behind a radiator and was not discovered until too late. And the parakeet, God bless him, flew out a window once, never to be seen again. After such displays of stewardship, we dared not ask for a dog.

My introduction to the wonder of dogs came from my wife Robyn. She's Australian. And Australia, as lovingly recounted in Bill Bryson's In a Sunburned Country, has the craziest, wildest, deadliest, meanest animals on the planet. In a place where every spider and squid can take you down faster than a sucker-punched boxer, you cherish niceness in the animal kingdom. And they don't come nicer than dogs.

Robyn started us off slowly. She got us a border collie, Hugo, when our son was about 6. She knew that would appeal to me because the border collie is the smartest species on the planet. Hugo could 1) play outfield in our backyard baseball games, 2) do flawless front-door sentry duty, and 3) play psychic weatherman, announcing with a wail every coming thunderstorm.
When our son Daniel turned 10, he wanted a dog of his own. I was against it, using arguments borrowed from seminars on nuclear nonproliferation. It was hopeless. One giant "Please, Dad," and I caved completely. Robyn went out to Winchester, Va., found a litter of black Labs and brought home Chester.

Chester is what psychiatrists mean when they talk about unconditional love. Unbridled is more like it. Come into our house, and he was so happy to see you, he would knock you over. (Deliverymen learned to leave things at the front door.)
In some respects — Ph.D. potential, for example — I don't make any great claims for Chester. When I would arrive home, I fully expected to find Hugo reading the newspaper. Not Chester. Chester would try to make his way through a narrow sliding door, find himself stuck halfway and then look at me with total and quite genuine puzzlement. I don't think he ever got to understand that the rear part of him was actually attached to the front.

But it was Chester, who dispensed affection as unreflectively as he breathed, who got me thinking about this long-ago pact between humans and dogs. Cat lovers and the pet averse will just roll their eyes at such dogophilia. I can't help it. Chester was always at your foot or your hand, waiting to be petted and stroked, played with and talked to. His beautiful blocky head, his wonderful overgrown puppy's body, his baritone bark filled every corner of house and heart.

Then last month, at the tender age of 8, he died quite suddenly. The long, slobbering, slothful decline we had been looking forward to was not to be. When told the news, a young friend who was a regular victim of Chester's lunging love-bombs said mournfully, "He was the sweetest creature I ever saw. He's the only dog I ever saw kiss a cat."

Some will protest that in a world with so much human suffering, it is something between eccentric and obscene to mourn a dog. I think not. After all, it is perfectly normal, indeed, deeply human to be moved when nature presents us with a vision of great beauty. Should we not be moved when it produces a vision — a creature — of the purest sweetness?

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who
possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferocity,
and all the Virtues of Man,
without his Vices.
This Praise, which would be unmeaning
Flattery if inscribed over human
ashes is but a just tribute to the Memory
of Boatswain,a Dog.

- Lord Byron

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Friday, June 25, 2010

Diamonds Aren't a Dog's Best Friend

Is there a better way to show your dog how much you love them than giving them a ridiculously expensive dog collar?

Well, probably, yes. Dogs don't much care what kind of collar they wear, and most of them would probably prefer not to wear any collar at all. But that hasn't stopped a company called I Love Dogs Diamonds from providing collars worth far more than most purebreds.

Take this little number, for instance:




Called the "Amour, Amour," or, as one observer notes, "the Bugatti of dog collars," this 52-carat diamond dog collar will only set you back $3.2 million, and it will probably chafe your dog's neck. No word on whether you can get a choke collar version.

"The luster of platinum showcases the diamonds' radiance," says the website, "while 18-karat white gold provides the strength for this precious piece to last a lifetime. Exotic crocodile leather provides comfort and durability for the pampered pooch with the privilege to wear this exclusive collar."

Yeah, okay.

Surprisingly, they don't have an online ordering system to get this monstrosity. If you want one, you can call them at (310) 539-7400 or toll-free at (888) 456-8966. That's (888) ILOVWOOF.

My guess is that if you can afford a multimillion-dollar dog collar, you're not really worried about a toll-free telephone call.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Doggie Diarrhea Remedies

Okay, so that's not the most appealing title in the world. But it's certainly more appealing than the problem of a dog with the runs. In fact, according to one veterinarian, people asked for advice on curing this nasty condition with alarming regularity.So he came up with a home remedy that can usually cure the condition within 24 hours.

From the website The Fun Times Guide:

_______________


#1 Instead of their usual dog food, give your pet small servings of a bland diet 4-5 times throughout the day.

Choose from:
  • cooked white rice (no butter or flavorings)
  • cottage cheese (no liquid)
  • boiled chicken (no grease, no skin, no flavorings)
  • boiled turkey (no grease, no skin, no flavorings)
  • scrambled egg (no butter or oil)
  • boiled egg (no butter or oil)
  • boiled potato (no skin or flavorings)
  • baked potato (no skin or flavorings)
#2 Continue to feed several small servings of this bland diet for a couple days in gradually increasing amounts until a formed stool is passed. Then, start to wean your pet back to its regular food over the course of a week by gradually working in small amounts of their regular dry dog food.

#3 Do not give your dog bones, snacks or table scraps, because they may irritate the intestinal tract during this time.

#4 Dogs can also be given a dose of Pepto Bismol every 6 hours. (Dosage depends on your dog's weight: 1 ml per lb.) Bonus, the Pepto Bismol also works to stop vomiting.

#5 Two other over-the-counter medicines can be given to dogs with diarrhea: Imodium AD (1 ml per lb. every 8 hours) and Kaopectate (1 ml per lb. every 2 hours).

Please heed this word of warning before you dispense human medications to your pet.
Vet or no vet? Advice on whether it's time to see the vet when your dog has diarrhea for more than 24 hours.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Ugly Dogs

Ugliest Dog Competitions are the source of some controversy among dog lovers, because some see it as cruel mockery.

Well, I take the opposite view - those who own these dogs seem to love them without qualification, and it solidifies the fact that the bond that connects dogs with their human companions is far more than skin deep. Most of these dogs are also well-mannered and good-tempered beasts, and its impossible not to love them.

Unless, perhaps, they look like this:



That's Archie, who won the 2007 ugliest dog competition in Petaluma, CA. He was an abandoned pup, scheduled to be put down, before he was adopted. And now he's adored. It's a face only a mother could love.

We'll be sponsoring our own Ugly Dog contests in the days to come. Check back for more details.

Monday, June 21, 2010

"He's In Big Trouble!"

The year was 2005. My father-in-law had just lost his dog, and my mother-in-law gave us permission to give him a new one. A neighbor had just had some pure-bred Shih Tzu pups, and the timing was perfect to make one of those puppies the perfect Christmas gift.

The problem was that my in-laws wouldn’t be coming down to visit for Christmas for about three weeks, which meant that this brand new puppy , which our children dubbed “Sparky,” would be staying at our house for a while.

Don’t get me wrong - Sparky was pleasant, cheerful, and a lot of fun to have around. It’s just that he was completely unclear on the whole “housebroken” concept. Consequently, he was the source of plenty of early Christmas presents, if you know what I mean. One of those presents has earned an eternal place in our family history, because it ended up in my four-year-old son’s ear.

It’s not that Sparky pooped directly in his ear, you understand. It’s that he climbed onto the bed, pooped right next to my son’s head. Then, as if on cue, my son rolled over and, with a single event, found it harder to hear and easier to smell.

Or, in his words, “Sparky pooped in my ear. He’s in big trouble.”

I suppose we should be grateful. Those two statements greatly expanded my son’s vocabulary and began the process of getting him to speak in complete sentences. Five years later, he still gets a kick out of telling that story, and so do I.

Sparky, however, has no comment.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Two Dogs Have I

For years we've had a little dog,
Last year we acquired a big dog;
He wasn't big when we got him,
He was littler than the dog we had.
We thought our little dog would love him,
Would help him to become a trig dog,
But the new little dog got bigger,
And the old little dog got mad.

Now the big dog loves the little dog,
But the little dog hates the big dog,
The little dog is eleven years old,
And the big dog only one;
The little dog calls him Schweinhund,
The little dog calls him Pig-dog,
She grumbles broken curses
As she dreams in the August sun.

The big dog's teeth are terrible,
But he wouldn't bite the little dog;
The little dog wants to grind his bones,
But the little dog has no teeth;
The big dog is acrobatic,
The little dog is a brittle dog;
She leaps to grip his jugular,
And passes underneath.

The big dog clings to the little dog
Like glue and cement and mortar;
The little dog is his own true love;
But the big dog is to her
Like a scarlet rag to a Longhorn,
Or a suitcase to a porter;
The day he sat on the hornet
I distinctly heard her purr.

Well, how can you blame the little dog,
Who was once the household darling?
He romps like a young Adonis,
She droops like an old mustache;
No wonder she steals his corner,
No wonder she comes out snarling,
No wonder she calls him Cochon
And even Espèce de vache.

Yet once I wanted a sandwich,
Either caviar or cucumber,
When the sun had not yet risen
And the moon had not yet sank;
As I tiptoed through the hallway
The big dog lay in slumber,
And the little dog slept by the big dog,
And her head was on his flank.

- Ogden Nash

Friday, June 18, 2010

A Very Special Halloween Costume

The Internet is a strange, strange place.

As I was writing about Hong Kong Phooey, an ancient cartoon about a dog superhero with a cool theme song, I assumed that I was the only person in the world who remembered or appreciated that show. It only ran for 16 episodes in the mid-Seventies, and given the amount of junk that’s been on television in the intervening years, I assumed that it was largely forgotten.

But the Internet never forgets.

Not only can you find video excerpts from the show itself, you can also buy Hong Kong Phooey merchandise! Granted, no one’s producing new Hong Kong Phooey material, but there’s old stuff out there that people have been hoarding for decades that can be yours if the price is right.

Check this out:



Yes, that’s a Hong Kong Phooey Halloween costume. That’s from the era when groovy Halloween costumes were a paper mask and a plastic jumpsuit, sold in a cardboard box at Toys R Us for under ten bucks.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to, which is a good thing, because I think they may have had asbestos in those.

But, still, even in 2010, you can go online and buy your own online Hong Kong Phooey costume. For only $125. Plus shipping and handling.

Come to think of it, maybe you might want to dress up as a hobo instead.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Separation Anxiety

It’s been said that dogs look up to you; cats look down on you, but pigs treat you as equals.

Cats, therefore, don’t miss you much when you’re gone. Dogs do, however. Many of them suffer from separation anxiety, and some may be willing to act out to demonstrate how much they miss their masters. They’ll howl or bark, scratch the furniture, leave smelly presents, or even hurt themselves if they feel that’s the only way to get your attention.

Separation anxiety can be a result of a dog’s background. If you adopted your dog at a shelter, there’s a real possibility that dog was abandoned or neglected by its previous owner, which may manifest itself in the dog’s current behavior. Dogs also may have difficulty adapting to a drastic change, such as a move to a new neighborhood. If kids have some trepidation about making new friends, imagine how difficult it is for your dog.

There’s no silver bullet to cure separation anxiety, but there are ways to establish patterns to help your dog feel comfortable and confident. Dogs take their cue from you, so if you’re relaxed and at ease in the new environment, they are more likely to be the same. Try to downplay their extreme behavior when you leave or arrive at home. When the dog finally calms down, reward them with a treat or a toy. Positive reinforcement of good behavior does wonders to set the tone for a dog’s long-term well-being.

Exercise helps tremendously, too, both for dogs and for people. Running with your dog allows him to spend time with you and work off some stress, too. Apparently, some doctors seem to think that exercise is good for you. I’m still not convinced, but I pass the suggestion along just the same.

Another technique that helps is the idea of the “gradual departure.” In other words, grab your car keys and give the impression that you’re about to leave, and then don’t leave. Or leave for a few seconds and then come back. If your dog shows signs of anxiety during these mini-departures, be sure to wait until he’s calmed down before rewarding him. Many pet owners will feel the instinct to comfort the dog while he’s overreacting, but that simply validates the anxiety and exacerbates the problem.

Of course, you can always get a pig.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

The absence of Conan O'Brien from the airwaves means that the funniest talking dog in history is in limbo, looking for a home.

If you've never seen Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, you're either easily offended or seriously deprived.

Behold Triumph's finest hour: at the premiere of Attack of the Clones in 2002...

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

How to Make a Scarf Out Of Dog Hair

It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of a Bernese mountain dog scarf might appeal to some of you with less sensitive nostrils.

This scarf isn't a Bernese mountain dog scarf - it's made from the hair of a Collie and a Golden Retriever:



This was created by a woman named Betty Burian Kirk, and her website provides extensive information on how to collect, process, and spin dog hair into a lovely scarf or a knit hat. Ms. Kirk, for a modest fee, will be happy to produce the product for you. You can read all about it at her website, www.bbkirk.com. I provide here some relevant excerpts from her page to get you started.

From bbkirk.com:
_____________

Tips on Using Dog Hair Yarn

Treat it and care for it as if it were fine wool. Weavers should take care if it is to be used as a warp. I advise the use of a warp sizing. Knit or crocheted dog hair is NOT elastic like wool. Gauge a garment the same as if you were using a cotton thread or yarn. Dog hair yarn items should be lined if it will be worn against the skin. Dog hair yarn does shed some at first. It is almost too warm to wear unless an open or lacy pattern is used. Many like it as an accent yarn used for trim or in design areas. This reduces your cost and prevents a garment from being too warm or heavy.

Don't cut your handspun yarn, break it. When joining two ends, overlap for several inches. Do not use knots. Handspun yarns have occasional thin areas. These are usually structurally sound. If they bother you or keep occurring in the same place, your can break the yarn and remove the thin section. Because of the thin areas, handspun yarn has an irregular yardage per pound. This must be taken into consideration when estimating how much yarn is needed for a project. Yarn breaking occurs occasionally. Because dog hair is silky and short, it does not hold together as well as wool. Breakage will happen more often when a tight tension is used in knitting etc.

When you are ready to knit or create with your dog hair garment, lay out all the yarn skeins and evaluate them. Some yarn may be thinner than other yarn. This is more likely to occur when you have had yarn spun on two separate occasions. You will need to design your piece accordingly, such as having the bulk of the piece in one type of yarn and the trim in the other yarn or the pattern in one type of yarn and the background in the other. If it is a block design, alternate blocks in the different size yarns.

Care Recommendations

Wash dog hair items in warm water with a mild liquid detergent such as Ivory dish detergent or dog shampoo. Avoid agitating the item in the water. Rinse in water the same temperature as that used with the detergent. Never let water run on the yarn or garment. Fill the basin with water and then add the garment. Gently squeeze excess water out and roll in a towel or extract the water in the spin cycle of the automatic washing machine. Be sure there is NO WATER BEING SPRAYED IN THE SPIN CYCLE. Dry flat and block if desired.

For more information, including an FAQ about dog hair yarn, click here.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

If A Dog Be Well Remembered

"There is one best place to bury a dog.
"If you bury him in this spot, he will
come to you when you call - come to you
over the grim, dim frontier of death,
and down the well-remembered path,
and to your side again.

"And though you call a dozen living
dogs to heel, they shall not growl at
him, nor resent his coming,
for he belongs there.

"People may scoff at you, who see
no lightest blade of grass bent by his
footfall, who hear no whimper, people
who may never really have had a dog.
Smile at them, for you shall know
something that is hidden from them,
and which is well worth the knowing.

"The one best place to bury a good
dog is in the heart of his master."

--- Ben Hur Lampman ---
from the Portland Oregonian Sept. 11, 1925

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dog Statues

Since time immemorial, dogs have provided a cost-effective security system by barking like mad whenever a stranger shows up. But Neiman Marcus has come up with an idea that allows you to have “Stoic hounds… ready to stand guard wherever you should need them” without actually providing any real benefit whatsoever.

Dog statues.

Yes, for only $395, plus $40 shipping and handling, you can have one of these weird-looking statues plopped outside your front door or hanging out on your lawn somewhere.



They have left-facing and right-facing statues, so you can get the set in the picture for just under a thousand bucks. Apparently, the statues are “not susceptible to mold, mildew, or other problems common to natural materials,” so that’s something, I guess.

If you really must have a dog statue, though, I would direct your attention to a much cheaper – and stranger – solution. For $29.99 at Amazon.com, you can get your very own plastic statue of a Pug dog pretending to pee on something.



Three customers have reviewed the statue and given it an average of five stars. “The statue looks so real,” raves Kathryn from Richmond, Virginia, “that when I took a photo and emailed it, my friends thought I had gotten a Pug!!” I think those friends thought a lot more than that, too, but they were too polite to say anything.

There are plenty more options available out there, but, for my money, real dogs are much more satisfying, even if they are susceptible to mold, mildew, or other problems common to natural materials. And they don’t just pretend to pee.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Dogs Are Good For You

Two British guys named Mugford and Comisky performed an experiment back in 1974. They divided up a group of elderly patients and gave half of them their own bird. The other half got their own plant. I’ll leave it to you to decide which one got the better end of the deal.

Looking at the results, it’s pretty hard not to side with the bird people. Those with pets now had a new subject of conversation to share with visitors. Consequently, they became more engaged in discussions about Polly wanting a cracker instead of their aches and pains. They also demonstrated a significant increase of visitors to their nursing facilities, because they were more anxious to engage with other people as a result. Plants, apparently, can brighten up a room, but they don’t make for very good company.

Similar studies with dogs tell an even more powerful story. (that makes sense to me - nobody has ever accused a bird of being Man’s Best Friend, even if their vocabulary exceeds that of the average dachshund.)

According to a 1990 study, dog owners were far less likely to have minor illnesses then cat owners or those with no pets at all. They showed marked improvement in psychological well-being, in confidence and security, and were far less concerned about being victims of crime.

They also exercised more as a result of walking the dog on a regular basis. The study came to the conclusion that “pet ownership can have a positive impact on human health and behaviour, and that in some cases these effects are relatively long lasting.”

More recent studies confirm what we already knew – dogs are good for you. They help you stay strong physically; they provide unconditional emotional support, and they can even provide a sense of purpose to those who think that life has passed them by.

So, if you’re feeling down, you can spend an awful lot of money and pay some psychiatric guy to talk to you for hundreds of dollars an hour about your childhood, or you can run around the block with your dog.

Psychiatrists slobber less, but dogs have the advantage everywhere else.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Let Slip the Dogs of Shakespeare

William Shakespeare is considered the greatest writer of all time, according to the people who consider such things. But if that’s the case, why does he give dogs such a bad time?

Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men;

As hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs,

Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'clept

All by the name of dogs: the valued file 

Distinguishes the swift, the slow, the subtle,
The housekeeper, the hunter, every one

According to the gift which bounteous nature

Hath in him closed.
- Shakespeare, Macbeth

He talks about the “dogs of war” in Antony and Cleopatra, and King Lear whines about the little dogs that bark at him. Julius Caesar says he would “rather be a dog, and bay the moon,
 than such a Roman.” Since he doesn’t think highly of the Roman in question, this isn’t really a strong selling point for dogs.

I think the answer lies in Two Gentleman of Verona, a play where a comic relief character by the name of Launce complains about his dog at length in an oft-repeated monologue.

I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. … Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!
- Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona


There's considerably more to that monologue, but it doesn't matter. Nobody ever hears a word of it. Everyone’s too busy paying attention to the dog, who’s usually scratching himself in inappropriate places – or worse.

There’s a reason WC Fields refused to work with children or animals – they get all the laughs. Shakespeare, himself an actor as well as a playwright, clearly envied the applause his canine companions would get.

Yes, that’s right – Shakespeare was jealous of dogs. It’s not a popular literary theory, but I stand by it just the same. (I also think Shakespeare was actually a pseudonym used by Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford, so what do I know?)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Daily Brushing for Dogs and Teenagers

Cleaning your dog is difficult if the dog is an unwilling participant. In order for a dog to willing submit him or herself to a cleaning regime, they need to be trained from the outset. The cats, it seems, got all the natural instincts for grooming. Left to their own devices, dogs have the grooming habits of a thirteen year-old boy who sleep with their skateboards. (Although thirteen-year-old boys do tend to slobber more.)

Experts suggest that a puppy be introduced to a brush within the first three weeks of their life. This gets difficult if you adopt your dog at a later stage in life, but it’s the same with any training regimen. You can teach an old dog new tricks; it just takes more patience and time. It’s the same with teenagers, too, but dogs will probably be willing to be seen with you in public.

The bottom line: set predictable ground rules. Grooming time is not playtime, and the dog needs to know that. The routine should likely begin with ten-minute increments and increase as necessary, depending on how long the dog’s coat is. The time should be the same each day, so the dog knows what to expect and when.

In order to decrease that lovely natural dog smell, brushing the coat should begin at the end of the hair and work its way down to the skin. Some mistakenly believe that short-haired dogs don’t require grooming. Certainly the ablutions will take less time depending on hair length, but it’s not a good idea to neglect the shorthairs just because the dirt is difficult to see. Like teenagers, you will likely be able to smell them before you see them if you let them run wild.

It’s also important to get your dog to relax and enjoy the ride. Grooming doesn’t have to be a tedious exercise, and it can be a great opportunity to bond with your dog. (Not so much with teenagers, obviously, but you’re going to have to find another blog to help you out there.)

Monday, June 7, 2010

Newsprint and Dog Biscuits

Throughout my life, the dogs have always been awake before I am.

That’s not a huge accomplishment nowadays, but back in the early 80s when I was a freshly scrubbed paperboy delivering copies of the Los Angeles Daily News, I was out on the street at 5:00 AM. The paper route was initially small enough that I could walk the whole thing in about 45 minutes, lugging several dozen newspapers in a makeshift, two-sided gunnysack that was serviceable without being sexy.

I learned early in my career that delivering papers directly to people’s doorsteps instead of in their driveways made for really good tips at collection time. I even went so far as to pick up the copy of the far-superior rival newspaper, the LA Times, and bring that up to the doorstep with me.

That’s where the dogs come in to the story.

When you fling a paper on a driveway from a moving car, the dog generally doesn’t have an opinion on the matter. But when you’re tromping around in a big canvas bag to the front door, they tend to notice.

They notice, and then they bark.

I tried to avoid this by tromping more quietly, but I soon discovered that it wasn’t the noise; it was the smell. I had a distinctive inky, newsprinty, prepubescent paperboy odor that the dogs could sniff out from thirty yards away. Most of these dogs were outside, right behind a fence near the front door, and they began to bark like mad when I came into range. This was kind of unpleasant for the customers who preferred to sleep through their newspaper delivery process. I needed to fix this.

The solution? Dog biscuits.

All it took was a handful of Milkbones hurled across the fence upon my approach, and the barking stopped instantly. There was a lot more scurrying as the dogs went to collect their bounty, but I was usually out of there before any canines could get angry and start yelping for more. The one exception to this was the house with two mountain-sized St Bernards, who stared out at me and started slobbering upon my approach. I would hurl a biscuit across the fence, and then they’d catch in their mouths and swallow it whole. It was fascinating and disturbing at the same time.

Looking back, I’m not sure how happy the owners would have been had they known that their paperboy had become a significant component in their dog’s daily diet regime, but it didn’t matter to me at the time. All I cared about was that the dogs were quiet, the paper was delivered, and I got a big tip that month.

Besides, what did they care? They got to stay asleep!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Cat Stevens: I Love My Dog

When I was lamenting the lack of dog songs in popular music, a friend of mine pointed out that the best one he could find came from a man named Cat.

So, for your Ice Scream Sunday, here it is:

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Alpo Drop

It's been famously said that the difference between dogs and cats is that you can leave a cat for a few days with a big pile of food and a clean litter box, and all will be well. You try the same thing with a dog, however, and he'll eat the whole thing in three seconds and leave enough poop around the house to last a lifetime.

I've never owned a dog that was satisfied with dry dog food. In fact, I've never had a dog who didn't finish the meal I gave him before it hit the ground. That's a literal fact, and, while it may not speak well for me, I thought I'd pass along these feeding tips for people who don't want to be troubled with taking more than a full minute to provide a dog with a meal.

I called it the Alpo Drop. Don't worry - it works with generic brands, too.

Our dogs growing up were big ol' beasts - German Shepherds, black labs, and a Bernese Mountain Dog. The minute you pulled the Alpo out of the pantry, the tails started wagging, the dogs started yelping,. and the expectation was that unless you opened said can and plopped it in their mouths, they would probably eat you. So that didn't give me much time to respond.

I used an electric can opener and opened the Alpo, and I would pound the side of the can against the counter top precisely three times. That loosened the slop within enough that I could then shake it out of the can. It held its shape as it slurped out, like some kind of meaty gelatin. With these dogs, the food never hit the floor. In fact, it barely made it out of the can. They would open their mouths and seemingly swallow it whole.

I don't know if this was good for them, or whether you folks should try this at home. All I know is that I could be watching some stupid sitcom and feed the dogs during the commercial break when Lorne Greene was selling Alpo.

I don't sell Alpo. I live it!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Obnoxious Dog Costumes

Krypto the SuperDog. Beppo the SuperMonkey. Mighty Mouse. Batmite. Gleek. Sure, animals have a long tradition of superheroing, but it’s always been hard to find the right outfit for your Canine Crusader.

Until now.

Amazon.com is now selling superhero costumes for your dog that will guarantee to embarrass them in front of their friends. For only $12.99, you can deck your poor dog out in a Superman outfit, something Superman himself would never do. Krypto the SuperDog only wore a cape, for crying out loud, although you have to wonder how he kept the cape clean after a day of super bone burying.

Look at the picture of the dog they had model this thing. Does he look miserable or what?



Well, if you want to make your own dog equally miserable, click here and buy your own. If you must buy a ridiculous costume for your faithful companion that doesn't deserve that kind of abuse, please don’t get one of these stupid Spiderman outfits. For crying out loud, look at that thing they have on his head.



Thankfully, they’ve marked this junk down so far that you can be confident that very few pet owners have such little respect for their dogs. That renews my faith in truth, justice, and the American way.

What was Batmite, anyway?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

How to Housebreak

Much is made about how divided we are as a nation, yet there are still several undeniable truths that everyone can agree upon. Here are the top three:

1. There’s no such thing as a good toupee.
2. Bob Dylan should never have recorded a Christmas album.

And, most importantly,

3. Nobody wants an incontinent dog.

Training your dog not to pee on the furniture is, or should be, the first order of business for any pet owner. And that’s an important first priority, because experts say that the whole housebreaking process should take place between the ages of eight and twelve weeks old. (Or between fifty-six and eighty-four weeks in dog weeks.) The idea that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks doesn’t matter much when you’re talking about teaching a dog to fetch a ball, but if your dog reaches his first birthday and is still leaving you unwanted presents around the house, that’s a bit more of a problem.

For younger dogs, the idea of setting up a crate where the dog can sleep is very helpful, as dogs aren’t willing to soil their sleeping turf. This crate shouldn’t be a place where the dog goes when he’s being punished, and the dog shouldn’t spend more than a couple of hours there at a time. Since puppies, on average, have to relieve themselves every three hours or so, their schedules will usually accommodate benign, short-term incarcerations.

Dogs are essentially creatures of habit, so if you take them out to do their business at the same time every day, they’ll be sure to hold it in until their appointment. The more regimented you can make this process, the better. Try taking the dog out the same door for each potty break, because then they’re more likely to scratch at that door the next time they want to get out for any future, unscheduled private time.

As always, praise is the greatest reinforcement you can provide. You don’t even have to be specific about the quality or quantity of the dog’s output – just “good boy” and a pat on the head will probably suffice. You’ll never know just how far a little praise can go. If my parents had been willing to do that for me during my own potty training, I’d have probably become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.