A Rose By Any Other Dog

I’ve never met a dog named Jacob.

That’s surprising, actually, since Jacob was listed by the Social Security Administration as the most popular boy’s name of 2010. I’ve never met a dog named Emma, either, despite that name’s place at the top of the Most Popular Girl’s Names list. In fact, I can’t find a name in the top 100 that I’ve ever seen applied to a puppy. Ever seen a supper dish with David written on the side? How about Michael? Madison? Ashley?

What’s going on here?

Human names and dog names occasionally overlap – I have a niece named Maggie that shares her name with my sister’s late Labrador – but for the most part, dog names operate on a different set of principles. It takes just a bit of deductive reasoning to determine what those principles are.

For instance, a dog named Spot isn’t all that unusual, which means it’s perfectly acceptable to label a dog based on an aspect of their physical appearance. That doesn’t apply to people. We grew up with a black dog named Midnight, but my parents didn’t name me Schnozzie based on the massive honker that houses my nostrils. I had a human friend we used to call Pus-Head, but that was based more on his cognitive abilities than what his head looked like.

Dog names also tend to define the purpose the dog is supposed to serve. Dogs named “Buddy” or “Princess” fall into this category. I think “Snoopy” probably does too, but I don’t recall Charlie Brown’s beagle snooping very much. I’ve always liked the film Lady and the Tramp because each dog knew their roles based on their names. Lady was a refined lady; Tramp was a tramp. Humans don’t roll that way. Banks aren’t willing to give loans just because the guy’s name is Rich.

Dog name popularity tends to lag behind human names by about 100 years or so. I had a friend named Rufus who was named after his great-grandfather, but he met more dogs with his name than people. Buster Keaton is the last human I know with that first name, but I’ve met more dogs named Buster than you can shake a stick at, which is probably good, because shaking a stick around that many dogs can cause serious problems.

Based on these examples, may I offer the following ten dog names for your consideration:

1. Mudface
2. Barker
3. Mildred
4. Tongue
5. Sniffy
6. Ebenezer
7. Tubbs
8. Fetchums
9. Cornelius
10. Eugene Ionesco (That last one’s a wild card.)

Bottom line: I have no idea what I’m talking about.