DOGINblogin

A Dog's Life

2012-01-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

The life of a dog is a dog's life.

It is pain. It is suffering and grief.

The life of a dog is a dog's life.

Full of fear and gnashing of teeth.

God/dog, dog/god.

Palindromes and dreams of nod.

God/dog, god/dog.

And all I hear leaves me agog.

So lift up a leg to the Hound of Heaven,

to the Great Dog Star in the sky.

Sit up and beg to be forgiven,

and let this sleeping dog lie.

God/dog, god/dog.

It's heady stuff, all cloud and fog.

God/dog, god/dog.

With feet of clay and mind in bog.

The Great Dog Star is our image;

he is made as one of our own.

He doesn't wear clothes and has a wet nose,

and thinks nothing of sucking the bone.

God/dog, god/dog.

Speaks from high: a monologue.

God/dog, god/dog.

In cunning plans, we're only cogs.

The life of a dog is a dog's life.

It is cruel. It is brutal and brief.

The life of a dog is a dog's life.

Thrown a bone to atone like a thief.

God/dog, god/dog.

Like unicorns and golliwogs.

God/dog, god/dog.

A chant easy as falling off logs.

To the Great Dog Star, pay homage.

And croon to a singular moon.

If the night is primal and savage,

obey and bay in good tune.

God/dog, god/dog.

I've seen machine and catalogue.

God/dog, god/dog.

A keen design to whip and flog.

God/dog, dog/god.

It sounds absurd, and awfully odd.

God/dog, dog/god.

Share the word and spare the rod.

So lift up your snout to the Hound of Heaven,

lift up your heart and growl.

Show your respect for the Hound of Heaven,

just throw a ginsberg and howl!

- David Smith White

Mellow

2012-01-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

“They call him Mellow Yellow…”

That’s the old Donavan song, but it didn’t work out that way for Mellow, who had the full “Mellow Yellow” name that never got used. He was just Mellow, a beautiful golden Labrador, and he was one of the sweetest dogs ever to walk the face of the earth.

My in-laws gave Mellow to their youngest son Mike as a birthday present, and the two were inseparable for years. He even took his senior school portrait alongside Mellow, which made for a unique photo session, to say the least.

But then Mellow got sick.

Mellow developed cancer in his lower body, which required that one of his legs be amputated. We all felt terrible for him, but Mellow took the whole thing in stride. He became Mellow the three-legged dog, and he was as active, cheerful, and friendly as he’d always been. The problem was that the cancer hadn’t gone away, and it claimed his life about a year after the amputation.

Animals have no pretense and make no attempt to hide their emotions. Dogs who suffer the way Mellow did usually become surly and angry as they struggle to survive. But not Mellow. He remained cheerful to the end – always happy to see you, always eager to play, never consumed by the difficulty of the challenges he faced.

Would that more human beings were able to follow his example.

Understanding Dog Memory

2011-12-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Christmas! But your dog probably doesn't remember that.

The following is from VetInfo.com .

Scientific research on dog memory has lead to many questions as well as some answers. As a dog owner, you can make educated guesses about your dog's memory span including short-term memory and long-term memory. This knowledge can help in training and understanding a dog's reaction to separation from his friends.

Associative Memory Versus Real Memory

Dog memory can be best understood as primarily associative versus real memory. A dog remembers people and places based on associations he has with those people and places. If the owner puts on a specific article of clothing before taking the dog out for a walk, the dog will react with his usual excitement about going to the park when the owner puts on that coat. This will last for many years unless a new association to the coat is established. A dog is unlikely, however, to suddenly get excited about going for a walk without any sign of the coat, or the leash, or whatever reminds him of the walk.

Negative Versus Positive Associations

Associative memory can work towards the negative as well. If a dog has a traumatic vet visit after a ride in the car, he will react to car rides with fear until that memory is replaced by associating the car with getting to go out and play. The stronger the association, however, the harder it is to change the memory.

Dog Memory Span

Dogs have some real memory but it's only extremely short in its span. Most research indicates that a dog's short-term memory is about 10 to 20 seconds long. This means that if a dog poops in the house, for instance, and you scold him about it 5 minutes later, he won't associate the scolding to pooping in the house. He'll associate the scolding with you and pooping in general.

Dogs are clearly able to remember language and hand signals for many years. It's somewhat unknown whether this is associative or real memory but it is probably the former. A dog may associate the word "sit" with getting a treat so even if the treat is not present, he'll want to sit when he hears that word just in case a reward is involved.

The World's Most Expensive Dog!

2011-12-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas is two days away! What better surprise for your loved one than the gift of the world's most expensive dog?

How much will it cost you? Watch and find out!

Separation Anxiety

2011-12-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

It’s been said that dogs look up to you; cats look down on you, but pigs treat you as equals.

Cats, therefore, don’t miss you much when you’re gone. Dogs do, however. If you're traveling for the holidays and leaving your canine pal behind, you may want to keep that in mind. Many dogs suffer from separation anxiety, and some may be willing to act out to demonstrate how much they miss their masters. They’ll howl or bark, scratch the furniture, leave smelly presents, or even hurt themselves if they feel that’s the only way to get your attention.

Separation anxiety can be a result of a dog’s background. If you adopted your dog at a shelter, there’s a real possibility that dog was abandoned or neglected by its previous owner, which may manifest itself in the dog’s current behavior. Dogs also may have difficulty adapting to a drastic change, such as a move to a new neighborhood. If kids have some trepidation about making new friends, imagine how difficult it is for your dog.

There’s no silver bullet to cure separation anxiety, but there are ways to establish patterns to help your dog feel comfortable and confident. Dogs take their cue from you, so if you’re relaxed and at ease in the new environment, they are more likely to be the same. Try to downplay their extreme behavior when you leave or arrive at home. When the dog finally calms down, reward them with a treat or a toy. Positive reinforcement of good behavior does wonders to set the tone for a dog’s long-term well-being.

Exercise helps tremendously, too, both for dogs and for people. Running with your dog allows him to spend time with you and work off some stress, too. Apparently, some doctors seem to think that exercise is good for you. I’m still not convinced, but I pass the suggestion along just the same.

Another technique that helps is the idea of the “gradual departure.” In other words, grab your car keys and give the impression that you’re about to leave, and then don’t leave. Or leave for a few seconds and then come back. If your dog shows signs of anxiety during these mini-departures, be sure to wait until he’s calmed down before rewarding him. Many pet owners will feel the instinct to comfort the dog while he’s overreacting, but that simply validates the anxiety and exacerbates the problem.

Of course, you can always get a pig.

Batman!

2011-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

This is very, very stupid. Which, of course, is why I love it.

Dog Revenge

2011-12-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

We visited relatives over Thanksgiving. Our dog was farmed out to relatives, but our two cats were left at home. In protest of our absence, the felines left several presents on the basement rug, despite the fact that their litter boxes and food supply were ample and clean. Our first instinct was that our cats were trying to get back at us for our absence. I don't know if that's true of cats, but for dogs, that's simply not the case.

Studies have demonstrated that animals feel basic emotional states, but a need for revenge is a far more complex situation which requires a dog to connect a simple biological act with a cognitive conclusion. Dogs, frankly, just can't do that. That's one of the reasons why it's important to discipline a dog immediately, because punishment that comes even several minutes after the fact will be more confusing than anything else. We love dogs because they're loyal to a fault and are completely without guile. If your dogs seems vengeful, there's something else going on.

A house-trained dog or cat that poops in your absence isn't trying to get back at you; they're simply confused, insecure, or lonely, which throws them out of whack and may result in a response you might interpret as revenge. Fixing the problem involves identifying the real causes and responding appropriately. Don't waste a second trying to "get even" with your dog. Give them more love and attention, and you'll be amazed at how quickly the problems get solved.

Cats, however, are just jerks.

Haiti, Mexico, and Rome

2011-12-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today’s memories are not my own; they come from my sister and my brother, who worked on humanitarian relief efforts in Haiti and Mexico, respectively.

In Haiti, one of the greatest sign of devastation in the aftermath of the massive earthquake was the huge numbers of stray dogs who are wandering aimlessly, scrounging for whatever food they can find. My sister recalls the accidental spilling of a flour-based concrete, which resulted in a swarm of dogs licking up the flour off the ground in a desperate attempt to survive.

In Mexico, my brother was volunteering to bring homes and shelters in Tijuana up to livable conditions, and the first rule of the group they were with was “Do NOT pet the dogs!” Stray dogs in Mexico wander freely, too, and they traffic in all manner of diseases and infections. My brother and his two sons spoke of the pathetic, sad eyes and desperate faces of these animals that had no one to care for them.

The only comparable experience I recall in my own life took place on my honeymoon, when I was backpacking through Europe and toured some ancient ruins just outside of Rome. I was swarmed by dogs that were desperate for food, affection, or any kind of simple interaction.

I’m not sure what the moral of the story is, although “spay and neuter your pets” is probably a good one. We don’t have this kind of dog population problem in the United States, but experiences like this are grim reminders that abandoned pets live sad, desperate, lonely lives.

So tonight, when you get home, make sure you give your dog an extra hug and let them know how much they’re appreciated.

Friendship of a Dog

2011-12-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

The best friend most people have is their dog on your dog for friendship you can depend
Than your ever devoted canine you cannot have a better friend
Your dog will never forsake you he or she will be your friend for life
A dog's love you can rely on far more than the love of your wife,
There are so many stories of dog devotion risking their lives loved ones to save
When people they love are in danger dogs can be unbelievably brave
They've been known to save people from drowning and they've been known to save people from fire
They do not expect reward for their loyalty so much in them for to admire
Yet some do treat their dogs quite badly cruelty to animals is a serious crime
And perhaps for such an offence a good deterrent would be at least a year of jail time
Any dog is not born to be vicious 'tis their masters who make them this way
A cruel owners makes a dog dangerous that does seem a sad thing to say
Since dogs to us can be so loyal your dog to you can be your best friend
Your wife may decide for to leave you but your dog will stay with you till the end.

- Francis Duggan

The Greatest Dog Cartoon Ever!

2011-12-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Does anybody read Marmaduke?

I’ve always ignored it as one of those ancient strips that clutters up the comics page for generations, long after the original writer either retires or dies. Based on the box office grosses for the recent movie version, there’s not a lot of Marmaduke love out there.

When it comes to comic strip dogs, it begins and ends with Snoopy, as far as I’m concerned. All the others are entirely forgettable. Odie has made something of a name for himself as a buffoon in the Garfield strips, but he’s a weak icon. And while 71 million people supposedly read Parade Magazine every week, I have yet to meet a single Howard Huge fan.

Cartoon dogs fare much better on television. My kids grew up watching Clifford, The Big Red Dog, and I have fond memories of Underdog and Scooby-Doo. But there’s one dog character that has faded into obscurity that’s due for a resurgence. I have never forgotten him, even after all these years, and I can still sing every word to the theme song.

Yes, of course, I speak of the great Hong Kong Phooey.

Hong Kong Phooey is the mild-mannered janitor who turns into a superhero by jumping into the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet and then popping out of the top drawer after the cat pounds on it really hard. Inexplicably, he’s an anthropomorphic dog in a world of humans, but nobody recognizes him when he puts on his mask. He’s blitheringly incompetent, but he’s voiced by the great Scatman Crothers, so he’s also deeply groovy.

Yeesh, if they can make a Marmaduke movie, what’s the hold up on a Hong Kong Phooey flick?

Just in time for Christmas! Dog Sofa! With Memory Foam!

2011-12-16T00:00:00.000-08:00

That's right! With memory foam!

My dogs have never needed memory foam, but maybe your dogs are cooler than mine. I'm not even sure what memory foam is, and I'm pretty sure your dog doesn't know, either. But if you have about $500 bucks to spend, this may be the memory-foamed dog couch for you! Imagine the joy on Christmas morning when your pooch runs down and finds the memory foamiest couch he's ever seen!

Can you imagine it? Well, me neither.

Perusing the Amazon listing for this doggie luxury, I also stumbled across a full-size human hot dog costume for only $19.99. That's more my speed, I think.

If Your Dog Fears Fireworks

2011-12-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

As the year comes to a close, more and more people are celebrating by adding a little bit of July to early January via fireworks. This is already big holiday tradition overseas, and it's start to get traction here in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Fireworks, however, can often create a rough time for many dogs. People like the big explosions, bright colors, and loud noises that accompany such celebrations, but they just serve to confuse the dogs. They don't know what's going on, and singing "Auld Lang Syne" doesn't really help.

If you're not going to be home when the fireworks begin, make sure your dog is in a secure place. Animal shelters report that fireworks time is a very busy one for them, because dogs bolt from their natural surroundings and then get lost after running away for awhile. In any case, your dog should be wearing tags so he can be easily identified in the case of a fireworks-inspired emergency.

If you and your dog are sharing fireworks together, do everything you can to make your dog feel at home. One dog owner suggests putting on a loud movie, preferably a violent war flick where rockets and bombs are going off all the time. Your dog has likely learned to ignore the television, so when the real fireworks start, the dog won't distinguish between fact and fiction. Others put on mellow sounds and spend soothing time with their dog. The important thing to remember is that your dog is looking to you for guidance - if you're calm, he's more likely to be calm, too. Panicky overreactions filled with pleas of "it's okay, it's okay" will likely stress your dog out more than comfort him.

There are also medical alternatives, but if you can handle this fear in an organic way, life will be better and easier for everyone. But it in extreme cases, it might be wise to consult a vet to determine what other options are available.

In the meantime, have a Happy New Year, whether you blow up anything or not!

L.A. Pooch Party

2011-12-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

From the Los Angeles Times:

_____________________

The invitation to downtown Los Angeles' fourth annual Dog Day Afternoon kindly requested the company of canines "of all shapes, sizes and faiths."

But there were two caveats: First, the party was exclusively for the dogs of downtown residents. Second, admittance was granted to "social dogs only, please."

The party, held on the sandstone plaza of the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels, was a chance for downtown's many types of dogs, and people, to socialize.

As jazz music played and a late-afternoon wind blew, a steel gray pit bull nosed up to a shivering Chihuahua, three golden retrievers frolicked in a circle, and a guy on roller blades and very short shorts chatted up a man in a business suit.

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"I see my neighbors, I see people from the party last year, and I see some dogs who have really grown up," Curtis Lovell II said. Lovell, a downtown loft resident — and the guy in the shorts — was there with his dachshund, Giorgio.

The party last summer, Lovell said, "was one of our first doggie social events, so we had to come back."

Several downtown doggie day care centers and pet boutiques handed out goody bags, and dog walkers handed out business cards. One man had the unenviable task of trolling the grounds with a canister of water and a hose, "for when the dogs do their little business."

More than 500 dogs and nearly 1,000 humans signed up for the event, said Hal Bastian, vice president of the Downtown Business Improvement District, the party's sponsor.

Bastian, the self-proclaimed proud father of Scooter, an exceptionally well-groomed Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever. Scooter was, according to the invitation, one of the party's official hosts. The other was Joaquin, a black Labrador that belongs to Msgr. Kevin Kostelnik.

Kostelnik said he approached the business improvement district about throwing a gathering for dogs after he realized there were few open spaces in downtown where dogs could run.

"God loves all his creatures," Kostelnik said. "And pets bring people together."

Kostelnik was proud that in four years of hosting the event, "we've never had a dog fight."

Cardinal Roger Mahony was at the party, too, posing for photographs with people and their dogs. Despite appearances, though, Kostelnik says "the cardinal is a cat man."

How To Knit a Scarf out of Dog Hair

2011-12-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of a Bernese mountain dog scarf might appeal to some of you with less sensitive nostrils.

A woman named Betty Burian Kirk has a website that provides extensive information on how to collect, process, and spin dog hair into a lovely scarf or a knit hat. Ms. Kirk, for a modest fee, will be happy to produce the product for you. You can read all about it at her website, www.bbkirk.com. I provide here some relevant excerpts from her page to get you started.

From bbkirk.com:
_____________

Tips on Using Dog Hair Yarn

Treat it and care for it as if it were fine wool. Weavers should take care if it is to be used as a warp. I advise the use of a warp sizing. Knit or crocheted dog hair is NOT elastic like wool. Gauge a garment the same as if you were using a cotton thread or yarn. Dog hair yarn items should be lined if it will be worn against the skin. Dog hair yarn does shed some at first. It is almost too warm to wear unless an open or lacy pattern is used. Many like it as an accent yarn used for trim or in design areas. This reduces your cost and prevents a garment from being too warm or heavy.

Don't cut your handspun yarn, break it. When joining two ends, overlap for several inches. Do not use knots. Handspun yarns have occasional thin areas. These are usually structurally sound. If they bother you or keep occurring in the same place, your can break the yarn and remove the thin section. Because of the thin areas, handspun yarn has an irregular yardage per pound. This must be taken into consideration when estimating how much yarn is needed for a project. Yarn breaking occurs occasionally. Because dog hair is silky and short, it does not hold together as well as wool. Breakage will happen more often when a tight tension is used in knitting etc.

When you are ready to knit or create with your dog hair garment, lay out all the yarn skeins and evaluate them. Some yarn may be thinner than other yarn. This is more likely to occur when you have had yarn spun on two separate occasions. You will need to design your piece accordingly, such as having the bulk of the piece in one type of yarn and the trim in the other yarn or the pattern in one type of yarn and the background in the other. If it is a block design, alternate blocks in the different size yarns.

Care Recommendations

Wash dog hair items in warm water with a mild liquid detergent such as Ivory dish detergent or dog shampoo. Avoid agitating the item in the water. Rinse in water the same temperature as that used with the detergent. Never let water run on the yarn or garment. Fill the basin with water and then add the garment. Gently squeeze excess water out and roll in a towel or extract the water in the spin cycle of the automatic washing machine. Be sure there is NO WATER BEING SPRAYED IN THE SPIN CYCLE. Dry flat and block if desired.

For more information, including an FAQ about dog hair yarn, click here.

Call Him Ishmael

2011-12-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

My first dog was named for the narrator of Moby-Dick, a wandering soul who boards Captain Ahab’s ship and chronicles his deadly obsession with the white whale. I’ve never read Moby-Dick, and, as near as I can tell, neither has anyone else. But it’s the only book I know of, apart from scripture, that has the name Ishmael in it. In my eyes, that alone is enough to make it cool – although not enough to get me to read it.

My Ishmael wasn’t any kind of a sailor. He hated water and the cleanliness that came with it. He was something of a wanderer, though, more like his Biblical namesake than the dude on the boat. In Genesis, Ishmael, firstborn son of Abraham, was cast off into the desert, unwanted and alone, much like the sad stray dog that my mother took in a couple of years before I was born. Mom was fond of taking in stray dogs and stray people over the years, but none of them captured my imagination like Ishmael – or Ish for short.

I was devoted to that unkempt, scrawny black lab mutt. I didn’t realize until many years after he died that Ish didn’t really like us very much.

Oh, I’m not sure if that’s entirely true, but there was no other way to explain his desire to bolt whenever he saw an open door. He was pleasant enough when the doors were closed, especially if there was food involved, but he never really took to the simple life. When freedom presented itself, Ish made a run for it.

Then came the call to arms.

“Ish is out!” someone would scream, and then the entire house would mobilize for the rescue mission. Mom would drag us into the station wagon, and we would patrol the streets, following the trail of destruction in Ish’s wake as he ran furiously to escape the little kids who loved him too much to let him go. Eventually, he would be cornered or exhausted, and we’d haul him back into the car and back home, where he moped and shlumped his way through the indignity of domesticity. Sometimes, though, we would fail to catch him, and Ish would be seemingly gone forever.

It was in those moments, then, when Ish showed his true colors.

An hour or two after his disappearance, Ish would return of his own free will, bearing a peace offering – a dead bird, a dead rabbit, or perhaps even a dead cat, which did not endear Ish to any of our feline-loving neighbors. Mom was aghast, but I was glad to know that, underneath it all, Ish really did like us. Either that, or he was hungry after a few hours alone and liked to be fed. Either way was fine with me.

Comedian George Carlin once noted that, because of the relatively short life span of domestic pets compared to their owners, every dog or cat is a built-in childhood tragedy waiting to happen. Ish lived a long and healthy life, I suppose, but he died before I was a teenager. I was embarrassed by how much I cried when I found out, and I never thought I could love again. That changed drastically when I discovered girls a few years later, most of whom liked me even less than Ish did, but you never forget your connection to the first beast to barge into your life. And his veterinary-induced departure left a hole in my life that has mostly healed by now, but it still stings if I fiddle with it.

After all, what became of Captain Ahab after the white whale was dead? (Seriously, what became of him? I haven’t read the book. I don’t know.)

A Rose By Any Other Dog

2011-12-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

I’ve never met a dog named Jacob.

That’s surprising, actually, since Jacob was listed by the Social Security Administration as the most popular boy’s name of 2010. I’ve never met a dog named Emma, either, despite that name’s place at the top of the Most Popular Girl’s Names list. In fact, I can’t find a name in the top 100 that I’ve ever seen applied to a puppy. Ever seen a supper dish with David written on the side? How about Michael? Madison? Ashley?

What’s going on here?

Human names and dog names occasionally overlap – I have a niece named Maggie that shares her name with my sister’s late Labrador – but for the most part, dog names operate on a different set of principles. It takes just a bit of deductive reasoning to determine what those principles are.

For instance, a dog named Spot isn’t all that unusual, which means it’s perfectly acceptable to label a dog based on an aspect of their physical appearance. That doesn’t apply to people. We grew up with a black dog named Midnight, but my parents didn’t name me Schnozzie based on the massive honker that houses my nostrils. I had a human friend we used to call Pus-Head, but that was based more on his cognitive abilities than what his head looked like.

Dog names also tend to define the purpose the dog is supposed to serve. Dogs named “Buddy” or “Princess” fall into this category. I think “Snoopy” probably does too, but I don’t recall Charlie Brown’s beagle snooping very much. I’ve always liked the film Lady and the Tramp because each dog knew their roles based on their names. Lady was a refined lady; Tramp was a tramp. Humans don’t roll that way. Banks aren’t willing to give loans just because the guy’s name is Rich.

Dog name popularity tends to lag behind human names by about 100 years or so. I had a friend named Rufus who was named after his great-grandfather, but he met more dogs with his name than people. Buster Keaton is the last human I know with that first name, but I’ve met more dogs named Buster than you can shake a stick at, which is probably good, because shaking a stick around that many dogs can cause serious problems.

Based on these examples, may I offer the following ten dog names for your consideration:

1. Mudface
2. Barker
3. Mildred
4. Tongue
5. Sniffy
6. Ebenezer
7. Tubbs
8. Fetchums
9. Cornelius
10. Eugene Ionesco (That last one’s a wild card.)

Bottom line: I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Toy Story 3 from a Dog's Perspective

2011-12-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

I rewatched Toy Story 3 yesterday, and, from almost every perspective, it's the best movie of the three. I thought so when it first came out, and my reviewing only confirms it.

From a dog's point of view, though, it's a disaster.

Buster, the dog given to Andy at the end of the first movie, was a hero in Toy Story 2. He was bright and vivacious and a friend to everyone. In Toy Story 3, though, he's a disaster. He's old; he's fat, and he's out of shape. What's worse, he's the punchline of the joke. Ha ha! Look at how decrepit Buster is! Isn't that HI-larious?

Aaargh.

Slinky Dog, the dog toy, fares much better, although the sad part about that is that his original voice was provided by the great Jim Varney - Ernest from the Ernest Goes to Camp movies - passed away between sequel installments. The new guy does a passable imitation, but we Ernest die-hards can tell the difference.

Still, there is a moment at the end of Toy Story 3 where you realize unequivocally that this is the finest film of the series. It’s a moment that involves a simple gesture and no words. I don’t need to tell you any more than that. I promise you, you will know it when you see it. And if that moment doesn’t make your eyes moist, then you have no soul.

I don’t need to rehash plot points. On paper, they look quite a bit like the first two films: toys in peril, daring rescues, and friends who stick together. But so much more is at stake here. The existential questions raised in #2 become major life-or-death struggles, taking this movie in some very dark directions. (My five-year-old was too terrified to watch much of it.) You discover just how much these characters have come to mean to you over the years. The ending is note perfect and tremendously satisfying, but you’ll probably sniffle a bit during that part, too. With the possible exception of Cars 2, which I personally haven't seen, Pixar has yet to make a bad film.

But as far as the dogs go, I give it two paws down.

Freeze Dried Dogs?

2011-12-09T00:00:00.000-08:00

Alan Alda's autobiography was titled never Have Your Dog Stuffed. You can buy a copy here, if you like. Or you can ignore his advice and have your dearly departed dog freeze dried.

I didn't make that up.

A website called Perpetual Pet offers "new techniques" that make sure that you "never have to let go." I'll let them explain the process for you:

We at Perpetual Pet know that the loss of a dearly loved pet is a very difficult experience. Through the use of new techniques in freeze dry technology, we can offer a "Loving and Lasting" alternative to burial cremation or traditional taxidermy. Freeze-dry pet preservation creates a lasting memorial and more importantly, preserves your pet in a natural state thereafter, without any alteration in appearance. This allows pet owners to see, touch and hold their pets, and in a sense, "never have to let go." Best of all, freeze-dry pet preservation results in the preservation of your pet's actual, physical body. This is in sharp contrast to the conventional method of taxidermy, in which only the outer hide of the animal typically remains, attached to a plastic form or other type of artificial mounting.

Neat.

Not my cup of tea, actually, but if this sounds nice to you, pricing is apparently done by weight. Hefty dogs cost more to freeze, I guess. Christmas is coming - maybe this is a great gift for the strangest person on your list.

The real question is: do they do hamsters?

Massage Therapy for Dogs?

2011-12-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

I'm not exactly sold, but the folks at petplace.com seem to be. Here's what they have to say about massage therapy for your canine companion:

The aging processes take a toll on your pet. Arthritis, joint problems, torn or over- extended muscles and ligaments, injury and surgery are some of the more common ailments that can benefit from increased flexibility and reduced physical and mental stress. The massage itself will promote socialization of your pet, enhance the human-animal bond and help maintain the health of a pet that is kenneled. During a period of confinement or restricted movement, the body is at rest and the muscles are inactive or stiff when activities are resumed. Massage improves the flexibility of these muscles and aids to prevent injury. Many of the healthy pets we have are part of a competition, whether in the show ring or performing agility, tracking, herding, flyball, ... or playing chase or Frisbee. They use and abuse muscles frequently. Massage relaxes the muscle, reduces strain and helps avoid injury.

My guess is that it probably is a rewarding experience for both people and puppies. I just don't think it's an adequate substitute for genuine veterinary care. And as dogs age, they become prone to arthritis and start to snap if the massage gets deep enough.

You can read the rest here.

The fact of the matter is that I wouldn't know where to begin. I wrestle with my dogs a lot. I pet them. I hug them. I scratch behind their ears. Isn't that enough?

Well, I admit, if a masseuse did that to me, I'd probably ask for my money back.

Is There a Dog Heaven?

2011-12-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

My wife thinks that perhaps we shouldn’t root for a dog heaven, because all of our dogs won’t be there. The dog that pooped in my son’s ear is definitely doomed to eternal damnation – not because of the pooping, which we have forgiven, but his biting of numerous children without provocation that has sealed his eternal fate. (Although the pooping didn’t help.)

Our first cat, Bazzard, died in a car accident, and it’s likely that he’s now engulfed in hellfire, because, well, he was kind of a jerk. Of course, the reality of a dog heaven does not necessarily mandate the reality of a cat heaven, because if there is a cat heaven, it’s probably a very, very small place.

As far as the theology goes, there are very different takes on the subject. According to an ABC News poll, 47% of us believe that dogs do go to heaven, while 35% said no. (That’s a very cold-hearted 35%, if you ask me. Or perhaps their dogs have all pooped in their ears.)

For serious consideration from a Christian perspective, I direct you to this website, which maintains that most people aren’t going to heaven, so it doesn’t really matter if pets are there, too. The official Catholic teaching, apparently, is that dogs do not go to heaven, because their souls are not subject to resurrection. However, there are thousands of slightly heretical priests who say something different to individual grieving pet owners.

Islam teaches that animals will be judged alongside humans, and that animals that take advantage of other animals will be turned to dust. However, those who live in paradise can have everything they want, so if they want their pets, they can have them, dust or no. No word on whether the dusty animals will stay dusty if a pet owner wants them.

Judaism is entirely vague on the subject of animal afterlife, which is not surprising, since it’s somewhat vague on the concept of human afterlife, too. Same is true of Buddhism. Hinduism maintains that dogs are part of the cycle of reincarnation, and they eventually become human souls, so it’s all good.

My take: Dog is God spelled backwards. As far as I’m concerned, that’s all anyone needs to know.

How to Pick the Right Dog for You

2011-12-06T00:00:00.000-08:00

Which dog is right for you?

My guess is that if you’re reading this, you’ve already made your selection and have your canine best friend at your side. Many, however, have decided that they’re interested in adopting a pet, but they’re not sure which one is right for them. Here’s a little friendly advice as you make your decision.

I give you the DoginBlog Four Ss of Dog Ownership:

1. Size
2. Shedding
3. Sportiness
4. Should I get a pure-bred or a mutt?

That last one was kind of tortured, I know. I couldn’t think of an S word that fit. Sue me!

Let’s start by talking about size. There are big dogs, tiny dogs, and everything in between. The size of your dog should be considered in light of the space you have available to accommodate him. (I know I always use “him” instead of “her” is my pronoun of choice in dog descriptions. That’s because, in my tiny mind, all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. Sexist? Perhaps. It’s just easier than warping the text to be gender neutral. If you have a female dog who is offended my canine chauvinism, I apologize profusely.)

If you’re an apartment dweller or have very little space in the backyard, a St. Bernard or a Great Dane wouldn’t be the wisest of choices. It also wouldn’t be fair to your dog. Consider his needs as much as you would consider your own. Tiny dogs don’t necessarily mean less responsibility, either. A small dog is more easily injured and can even be stepped on, whereas if you step on a German Shepherd, you’re the one who’s far more likely to be injured.

As part of size, you might also want to consider your dog’s age, too. Everyone imagines getting a puppy and going from there, but puppies need to be trained, and they require a lot more attention. Adult dogs have a track record and enough training to know what you’re getting yourself into. There are many, many wonderful adult dogs who need a good home, and if you’ve never owned a dog before, it might be a good idea to start out with a dog who knows what they’re doing better than you do.

Shedding seems like a silly qualifier, but it encompasses a good deal of what you’re going to be facing with this new addition to your home. You have to decide if you want a high-maintenance or a low-maintenance dog. Some dogs drool a lot; floppy-eared dogs are prone to ear infections. Do you want to be brushing a dog’s hair on a regular basis - or brushing that hair off of your couch? Don’t pick a dog if you can‘t deal with the consequences.

We’ll address the other two Ss in a future post…

Gretel's Care Package

2011-12-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

My mother refused to raise children in a home without a dog present. We had a succession of half a dozen canine companions throughout my growing-up years, beginning with Ishmael, ending with Cinder, and with Angel, Midnight, Gretel and Gremlin in between. Each of these guys had their own story worthy of several blog entries. There was also apparently a dachshund named Suzie who was before my time, so, in her case, I have no comment.

This memory focuses on Gretel, or, more specifically, on a Gretel by-product. Gretel, may she rest in peace, was a Bernese mountain dog and one of the most beautiful creatures ever to walk the face of the earth. She was also probably the sweetest and gentlest dog we ever had, and her time with us was altogether too short. She’s been gone for the better part of two decades, but I still miss her.

Back in the late 80s, I was living in Scotland for an extended period of time, and my mother would dutifully write real letters in that pre-Internet era and occasionally send a care package or two. On one occasion, I received a knitted scarf made by my mother’s own hand. Scarves were helpful in the cold Scottish weather, and I was grateful for the gift – until I smelled it.

The scarf was knitted out of yarn spun from Gretel’s sheddings.

Now don’t get me wrong. I loved that dog more than just about anything. But a scarf made out of dog hair still smells like – well, like dog hair. And in Scotland, where it rains every single day of the year and your scarf is bound to get soaking wet, the idea of having such an item that close to my nose was too horrible to contemplate.

There’s a reason that no perfume has been released under the label “Moist Dog Hair.”

I have no idea what happened to that scarf, and my relationship with both my mother and Gretel survived the exchange without incident. But the moral of the story is that if you want to send a care package to your son living overseas, I recommend cookies or breakfast cereal.

Just My Dog

2011-12-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

He is my other eyes that can see above
the clouds; my other ears that hear above
the winds. He is the part of me that can
reach out into the sea.

He has told me a thousand times over that
I am his reason for being: by the way he
rests against my leg; by the way he thumps
his tail at my smallest smile; by the way he
shows his hurt when I leave without taking him.
(I think it makes him sick with worry when he
is not along to care for me.)

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.
When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile.
When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.
When I am a fool, he ignores it.
When I succeed, he brags.
Without him, I am only another man. With him,
I am all-powerful.
He is loyalty itself.
He has taught me the meaning of devotion.
With him, I know a secret comfort and a
private peace. He has brought me understanding
where before I was ignorant.
His head on my knee can heal my human hurts.
His presence by my side is protection against
my fears of dark and unknown things.
He has promised to wait for me...
henever...wherever--in case I need him.
And I expect I will--as I always have.
He is just my dog.

- Gene Hill

How To Eat A Cat

2011-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Cats and dogs living together - mass hysteria!"

- Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, 1984

On a species-wide basis, there's no love lost between dogs and cats. I've discovered, too, that between pet owners, there's not a lot of crossover - you're either a dog person or a cat person, and never the twain shall meet.

Anyway, one of the more virulent cat haters I know brought to my attention a truly disturbing website, which I don't recommend for the faint of heart, because it shows graphic, hideous pictures of cats being skinned to be eaten. I won't provide the link, because it goes too far, but if you google "How to eat a cat," I'm pretty sure you'll be able to find it. The text of the site is pretty funny, but real-life pictures take the whole thing from the realm of the silly into the world of the hideous. I don't really want to skin cats and eat them, but I'm happy to joke about it. Perhaps that's an awkward line to draw, but that's where I am. I have two cats, personally, and while I'm happy to make morbid observations, I'd really rather they stayed alive, thank you very much.

Sites about eating cats might be good for a chuckle if you don't take them seriously.

For instance, I give you How to Make a Cat Tamale...

For the Dog Who Has Everything

2011-12-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming, although your dog doesn't know it.

It seems that, growing up, my lovely bride’s family always opened one present on Christmas Eve, something that was strictly verboten in our house. However, Santa Claus always left us pajamas to wear on Christmas morning, even though the need for new pajamas would have made more sense to leave them for us the night before.

So, in a natural tradition-blending compromise, we now open a present from our pets every Christmas Eve - and it's always pajamas.

Every year, our loyal companions give us some nice flannel things, and we never give them anything commensurate in return. We’re not alone – dog owners everywhere give presents that are the canine equivalent of socks or underwear. How many fake, crusty bones or dog dishes do they really need?

So here’s a gift idea for the hard-to-buy-for mutt: the dashing moustache and/or Jaggeresque tongue balls.

That’s right. For only ten bucks, you can buy a safe, non-toxic rubber ball that looks like a moustache or a tongue, so that after you throw the thing and he goes to fetch it, he comes back in disguise! He now has a sweet ‘stache to impress the ladies or a big tongue to sass the hand that feeds him.

It’s the perfect gift for hairy or hairless dogs, which are the only two kinds of dogs yet invented.

Gabriel's Angels

2011-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Gabriel, a large gray Weimaraner from Phoenix, Arizona, died on May 17, 2010. He was 11 years old.

When a beloved pet dies, most of the world pays no attention. But Gabriel’s death prompted over 400 emails, several flower arrangements, and dozens of cards.

Gabriel was a therapy dog and the initial inspiration behind Gabriel’s Angels, a non-profit organization in Arizona that provides 150 dogs who comfort children in need in the Tucson and Phoenix areas.

Gabriel was adopted by Pam Gaber, who would entertain children from the Crisis Nursery in Phoenix with stories about the puppy’s shenanigans. Finally, Gaber decided to bring Gabriel to meet her friends, and she dressed him up as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the occasion. The kids loved it, and so did Gabriel. He was a sweet-tempered dog who enjoyed all the attention that the children were happy to give him.

The concept of therapy dogs goes back to World War II, when a dog names Smoky was invited to visit patients in the famed Mayo Clinic. It wasn’t until 1976, however, when training for therapy dogs became regimented and use of them became more and more widespread in nursing homes and hospitals.

Gaber wanted to expand the reach of therapy dog programs, and she saw a particular need for Gabriel-style attention among abused and neglected children. Gabriel’s Angels now serves a wide variety of shelters, schools, treatment centers, and recreation programs. The program visits over 13,000 children every year in 100 facilities.

Therapy dogs have proven effective in helping children overcome any number of challenges, from emotional disorders to speech impediments. Children who fail to respond to traditional treatments often discover that unconditional canine acceptance provides the confidence and compassion necessary to overcome even the most daunting challenges.

Gabriel was especially good at his job. He dressed up as a biker in leather to wow the kids, or as leprechaun on St. Patrick’s Day. When he finally lost his bout with cancer, hundreds of children contacted Gaber to express their condolences and pay their final respects.

You can learn more about Gabriel’s Angels here:

Scratch Where You Itch

2011-11-30T05:37:00.000-08:00

I was listening to a popular radio talk show where a woman was worried about making things right with her estranged husband. The host listened patiently and finally said, “Look, it’s very easy. Men are simple creatures – keep them fed, let them sleep, and give them lovin’ every once in awhile, and you’ll have a happy man.”

As a man myself, I consider that solid advice.

There’s a reason why dogs have become known as “Man’s Best Friend,” not “Woman’s Best Friend.” That reason is mostly sexism, but not entirely. I like to think it’s because men and dogs have way too much in common. Women are complicated and sophisticated, whereas men and dogs enjoy scratching and licking things that ought not be scratched or licked, except by trained professionals in laboratory conditions.

So thrilling your dog is not really a difficult thing to do.

If you doubt that, then try my patented dog-thrilling method. One of the first Laws of Doggism is that dogs will inevitable scratch any part of their body that they are capable of scratching. So to thrill your dog in ways that you never thought possible, all you have to do is scratch a dog in the one place that they cannot scratch themselves.

(No, not there. Dogs can scratch there.)

I’m talking about the spot on their back, right above their tails. That little tiny spot that connects the tail and tush and is out of reach to even the most nimble doggie leg. You’ll think you discovered a Tail Wagging Button, because the tail will begin to wag at the moment of first contact. If it doesn’t, there’s either something wrong with your dog or you’re scratching in the wrong place.

Ladies, that last sentence is also the best marital advice I could ever give you.

101 Dalmations

2010-07-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

101 Dalmatians is easily the best film about dogs made in the 20th Century. I just rewatched it recently, and it was better than I remembered, which is kind of remarkable, because I remember it was fantastic.

For those unfortunate few of you who may have missed the movie, the film follows the exploits of the greatest villain in the history of cartoons, namely Cruella de Ville, a nasty woman with a long cigarette holder and a really off-putting black-and-white hairdo. She’s collecting Dalmatians in order to skin them for a fur coat, which would probably smell quite a bit like the dog scarf my mother made for me back in the 1980s. What she doesn’t count on is the resourcefulness of Pongo and his young Dalmation family, who rally the dog community and plan a daring escape from Cruella’s clutches.

The film is gorgeously animated, a product of the every-frame-by-hand artistry of a Disney team who labored in analog, long before computers could fit inside a single room. But the reason it succeeds is the story is always compelling – you always feel as if the dogs are in true peril, largely because Cruella is such a perfectly realized villainess. You care about the Dalmatians’ fate, and even though you know it’s a G-rated flick and nobody’s going to be skinned alive, you’re on the edge of your seats for much of the pic. It also doesn’t hurt that the theme song is infectious and will have you humming “Cruella de Ville, Cruella de Ville” for the next six weeks, give or take, whether you want to or not.

The movie has been remade as a live action film starring Glenn Close, who chews the scenery admirably but never quite captures the menace of her cartoon counterpart. The live action version is pleasant but forgettable, unlike its sequel, 102 Dalmatians, which is just a flimsy retread of the original. There have been cartoon sequels, too, all of which have gone straight to video, which is as it should be. You really can’t blame the Disney folks for wanting to recapture the magic of the original, and you also can’t be too surprised when they fail.

101 Dalmatians is a true classic that has stood the test of time. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Remembering Gretel

2010-07-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook of her vacation in Wyoming:

This is Captain, a Bernese mountain dog, but he’s the spitting image of Gretel, our beloved companion from years ago. She arrived as a tiny puppy, too small to walk down the stairs by herself without being carried. It wasn’t long, however, before she grew to full size and took her rightful place as the kindest and sweetest dog we ever had.

We lived in a house up Emigration Canyon on the outskirts of Salt Lake City, Utah, which meant that we spent most of the winter buried in snow. That was just perfect for Gretel – she would run outside and flop down in the nearest snow bank, which must have provided suitable air conditioning for her luxurious coat. I’m not quite sure how she survived the hot summers, but she never seemed to mind.

The canyon back then was the perfect place to have a dog, because it was virtually uninhabited. We would take the dogs for a walk every morning and let them roam free. As real estate developers became more interested in the landscape, dogs had to be on leashes to avoid wandering into people’s yards. But my memories of Gretel were all from the pre-leash era, when she would go bounding out the door at the mention of the word “walk” and go wherever the wind took her.

Gretel was a purebred and a very expensive dog, but she was given to us in exchange for flute lessons from my mother. That always seemed appropriate - she taught us lessons of kindness and good humor all the days of her life.

We still miss you, Gretel.

God and Dog

2010-07-11T07:54:00.000-07:00

This has had over two million views on YouTube, and it never fails to bring a tear to my eye. It's the perfect message for an Ice Cream Sunday.

There Is No Such Thing as a Good Toupee

2010-07-09T23:05:00.001-07:00

And this proves it...

William Shatner's Dog

2010-07-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

We're putting together the details on our dog songwriting contest, so, to get you in the mood, I'm providing you with an example from an up-and-coming songwriter named Steven Fretwell who is passionate about two of my own obsessions: dogs and William Shatner. Except the song seems to reference neither. I don't think it would win our dog song contest, but today's Wild Card Wednesday, so anything goes. You can download the song here.

I give you - "William Shatner's Dog," by Steven Fretwell.

Verse 1
I walk by the water and
Head for your house
Though I know that you'll be out
In some dirty city bar

I stand on your street
And I stare at your room
And the shadows play and move
And your brother comes out with a bat

Chorus
Sayin that
You might be with your sister in Paris
On the Rue turnau
Wearing Marline Ditrik glasses
Where we made that bet
That bet I knew you'd win for sure
When you where sick on the floor

Verse 2
The denim is ripped
Beneath the patch
It's an itch I can never scratch
Now it's so far gone the past

The fines I
Having trouble to contest
With the library book you kept
The one that sent your head so far west

Chorus
Far far away
In those continental cities
Where they get in a race
To see who can build the tallest buildings

Where you went for some space
And wound up
With a slightly redder face
And a pain in your gut

Verse 3
I turn on the TV
And I see there your face
And in it is not one trace
Of that old brown bowl of lace

And that bowl of lace
Is sat beside the gas bar fire
Where you probably laid
Eating ice cream chocolate wallaims

That your mother brought home
From the freezer store
On the old kent road
She too had enough

And that look on your face
That you'd throw across the dinner table
In the middle of grace
With your fathers eye closed shut tight

And it happened like that
Every damn night
That I had to come
To your house

Well tell Charles Okief
That I don't want to go to Paris
It's sunnier hear
And I'm happier in this loveless marriage

With the girl from the pru
And your father and your sister
And your mother too
And not forgetting you

Mellow

2010-07-05T07:57:00.001-07:00

“They call him Mellow Yellow…”

That’s the old Donavan song, but it didn’t work out that way for Mellow, who had the full “Mellow Yellow” name that never got used. He was just Mellow, a beautiful golden Labrador, and he was one of the sweetest dogs ever to walk the face of the earth.

My in-laws gave Mellow to their youngest son Mike as a birthday present, and the two were inseparable for years. He even took his senior school portrait alongside Mellow, which made for a unique photo session, to say the least.

But then Mellow got sick.

Mellow developed cancer in his lower body, which required that one of his legs be amputated. We all felt terrible for him, but Mellow took the whole thing in stride. He became Mellow the three-legged dog, and he was as active, cheerful, and friendly as he’d always been. The problem was that the cancer hadn’t gone away, and it claimed his life about a year after the amputation.

Animals have no pretense and make no attempt to hide their emotions. Dogs who suffer the way Mellow did usually become surly and angry as they struggle to survive. But not Mellow. He remained cheerful to the end – always happy to see you, always eager to play, never consumed by the difficulty of the challenges he faced.

Would that more human beings were able to follow his example.

Cluny

2010-07-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am quite sure he thinks that I am God–
Since he is God on whom each one depends
For life, and all things that his bounty sends–
My dear old dog, most constant of all friends;

Not quick to mind, but quicker far than I
To him whom God I know and own; his eye,
Deep brown and liquid, watches for my nod;
He is more patient underneath the rod

Than I, when God his wise corrections sends.
He looks love at me deep as words e’er spake,
And from me never crumb or sup will take
But he wags thanks with his most vocal tail.

And when some crashing noise wakes all his fear
He is content and quiet if I’m near,
Secure that my protection will prevail!

So, faithful, mindful, thankful, trustful, he
Tells me what I unto my God should be.

- Wlliam Croswell Doane

More Triumph - The Insult Comic Dog

2010-07-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

Word is that Jay Leno's ratings are the worst they've been in almost twenty years. NBC went through all kinds of gyrations, negotiations, and public humiliations to get rid of Conan O'Brien and give Jay his old show back, only to discover that they should have left things alone.

Why, many ask, is Jay having such a hard time? I've heard all the show biz theories, but none of them tell the true story - The Tonight Show is nothing without Conan's trusty correspondent: Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.

I've already shown you his Star Wars masterpiece. Below is his review of the Tony Awards.

Enjoy!

Your Dog PFD

2010-07-02T11:01:00.001-07:00

PFD, of course, stands for "Personal Flotation Device," and during the hot summer months, if you intend to take you dog along while yachting, it's essential that you take along a life jacket just for him.

This little model is reasonably priced, has a lovely color scheme, and will make all the other yacht dogs envious.

From the Google Products site:

"Whether your dog jumps or falls in the water, the NRS C.F.D. keeps them on the surface. With a tough 1000-denier Cordura shell and heavy-duty straps, the C.F.D. can take the worst your dog can dish out. With the flotation on the back, your dog stays cooler. Wide, soft under-straps for comfort; durable grab loop and leash ring for security. A zippered pocket for a leash, snacks, etc. Red model has reflective safety tape for visibility."

Looks god to me. Now I just need a yacht...

Simone to the Rescue

2010-06-30T07:35:00.001-07:00

The story goes that we were babysitting a dog named Simone – a lovely pit bull with a sweeter disposition than the breed’s reputation would suggest. My two-year-old daughter adored her, and she liked to show her off to as many people as would pay attention.

So she took Simone for a walk.

Ordinarily, this would not be cause for alarm. But my daughter had no leash, no permission, and no clothes. Unbeknownst to her parents, this little girl decided to wander out into the street in her underwear with a dog by her side.

We found out when the police decided to return both Simone and my daughter to our doorstep. They were slightly perturbed that we had taken no notice of her dog excursion. I’m not quite sure how they found her house, as my daughter wasn’t speaking in complete sentences. The most likely scenario is that our neighbors turned us in, but I like to believe that Simone was looking out for us.

I mean, how many times did Lassie let her owners know about a fire or a burglary or a protracted labor dispute? All she had to do was bark a few times. Simone didn’t bark, but her eyes spoke volumes. Is it too much to believe that the police took one look at her sad, forlorn face and knew exactly where she belonged?

Yes, it is. But I choose to believe it anyway. Dogs make the world a better place, especially for lost, naked children who get picked up by the police.

Of Dogs and Men

2010-06-28T07:54:00.000-07:00

This is a column by Charles Krauthammer that was published back in 2003. It has stuck with me since then, and I thiought I'd share it with you. You can read the original here.

__________

The way I see it, dogs had this big meeting, oh, maybe 20,000 years ago. A huge meeting — an international convention with delegates from everywhere. And that's when they decided that humans were the up-and-coming species and dogs were going to throw their lot in with them. The decision was obviously not unanimous. The wolves and dingoes walked out in protest.

Cats had an even more negative reaction. When they heard the news, they called their own meeting — in Paris, of course — to denounce canine subservience to the human hyperpower. (Their manifesto — La Condition Feline — can still be found in provincial bookstores.)

Cats, it must be said, have not done badly. Using guile and seduction, they managed to get humans to feed them, thus preserving their superciliousness without going hungry. A neat trick. Dogs, being guileless, signed and delivered. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I must admit that I've been slow to warm to dogs. I grew up in a non-pet-friendly home. Dogs do not figure prominently in Jewish-immigrant households. My father was not very high on pets. He wasn't hostile. He just saw them as superfluous, an encumbrance. When the Cossacks are chasing you around Europe, you need to travel light. (This, by the way, is why Europe produced far more Jewish violinists than pianists. Try packing a piano.)

My parents did allow a hint of zoological indulgence. I had a pet turtle. My brother had a parakeet. Both came to unfortunate ends. My turtle fell behind a radiator and was not discovered until too late. And the parakeet, God bless him, flew out a window once, never to be seen again. After such displays of stewardship, we dared not ask for a dog.

My introduction to the wonder of dogs came from my wife Robyn. She's Australian. And Australia, as lovingly recounted in Bill Bryson's In a Sunburned Country, has the craziest, wildest, deadliest, meanest animals on the planet. In a place where every spider and squid can take you down faster than a sucker-punched boxer, you cherish niceness in the animal kingdom. And they don't come nicer than dogs.

Robyn started us off slowly. She got us a border collie, Hugo, when our son was about 6. She knew that would appeal to me because the border collie is the smartest species on the planet. Hugo could 1) play outfield in our backyard baseball games, 2) do flawless front-door sentry duty, and 3) play psychic weatherman, announcing with a wail every coming thunderstorm.
When our son Daniel turned 10, he wanted a dog of his own. I was against it, using arguments borrowed from seminars on nuclear nonproliferation. It was hopeless. One giant "Please, Dad," and I caved completely. Robyn went out to Winchester, Va., found a litter of black Labs and brought home Chester.

Chester is what psychiatrists mean when they talk about unconditional love. Unbridled is more like it. Come into our house, and he was so happy to see you, he would knock you over. (Deliverymen learned to leave things at the front door.)
In some respects — Ph.D. potential, for example — I don't make any great claims for Chester. When I would arrive home, I fully expected to find Hugo reading the newspaper. Not Chester. Chester would try to make his way through a narrow sliding door, find himself stuck halfway and then look at me with total and quite genuine puzzlement. I don't think he ever got to understand that the rear part of him was actually attached to the front.

But it was Chester, who dispensed affection as unreflectively as he breathed, who got me thinking about this long-ago pact between humans and dogs. Cat lovers and the pet averse will just roll their eyes at such dogophilia. I can't help it. Chester was always at your foot or your hand, waiting to be petted and stroked, played with and talked to. His beautiful blocky head, his wonderful overgrown puppy's body, his baritone bark filled every corner of house and heart.

Then last month, at the tender age of 8, he died quite suddenly. The long, slobbering, slothful decline we had been looking forward to was not to be. When told the news, a young friend who was a regular victim of Chester's lunging love-bombs said mournfully, "He was the sweetest creature I ever saw. He's the only dog I ever saw kiss a cat."

Some will protest that in a world with so much human suffering, it is something between eccentric and obscene to mourn a dog. I think not. After all, it is perfectly normal, indeed, deeply human to be moved when nature presents us with a vision of great beauty. Should we not be moved when it produces a vision — a creature — of the purest sweetness?

Inscription on the Monument of a Newfoundland Dog

2010-06-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who
possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferocity,
and all the Virtues of Man,
without his Vices.
This Praise, which would be unmeaning
Flattery if inscribed over human
ashes is but a just tribute to the Memory
of Boatswain,a Dog.

- Lord Byron

Dog's Funniest Home Videos

2010-06-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

And no Bob Saget!

Enjoy!

Diamonds Aren't a Dog's Best Friend

2010-06-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

Is there a better way to show your dog how much you love them than giving them a ridiculously expensive dog collar?

Well, probably, yes. Dogs don't much care what kind of collar they wear, and most of them would probably prefer not to wear any collar at all. But that hasn't stopped a company called I Love Dogs Diamonds from providing collars worth far more than most purebreds.

Take this little number, for instance:

Called the "Amour, Amour," or, as one observer notes, "the Bugatti of dog collars," this 52-carat diamond dog collar will only set you back $3.2 million, and it will probably chafe your dog's neck. No word on whether you can get a choke collar version.

"The luster of platinum showcases the diamonds' radiance," says the website, "while 18-karat white gold provides the strength for this precious piece to last a lifetime. Exotic crocodile leather provides comfort and durability for the pampered pooch with the privilege to wear this exclusive collar."

Yeah, okay.

Surprisingly, they don't have an online ordering system to get this monstrosity. If you want one, you can call them at (310) 539-7400 or toll-free at (888) 456-8966. That's (888) ILOVWOOF.

My guess is that if you can afford a multimillion-dollar dog collar, you're not really worried about a toll-free telephone call.

Doggie Diarrhea Remedies

2010-06-24T07:10:00.001-07:00

Okay, so that's not the most appealing title in the world. But it's certainly more appealing than the problem of a dog with the runs. In fact, according to one veterinarian, people asked for advice on curing this nasty condition with alarming regularity.So he came up with a home remedy that can usually cure the condition within 24 hours.

From the website The Fun Times Guide:

_______________

#1 Instead of their usual dog food, give your pet small servings of a bland diet 4-5 times throughout the day.

Choose from:

cooked white rice (no butter or flavorings)
cottage cheese (no liquid)
boiled chicken (no grease, no skin, no flavorings)
boiled turkey (no grease, no skin, no flavorings)
scrambled egg (no butter or oil)
boiled egg (no butter or oil)
boiled potato (no skin or flavorings)
baked potato (no skin or flavorings)

#2 Continue to feed several small servings of this bland diet for a couple days in gradually increasing amounts until a formed stool is passed. Then, start to wean your pet back to its regular food over the course of a week by gradually working in small amounts of their regular dry dog food.

#3 Do not give your dog bones, snacks or table scraps, because they may irritate the intestinal tract during this time.

#4 Dogs can also be given a dose of Pepto Bismol every 6 hours. (Dosage depends on your dog's weight: 1 ml per lb.) Bonus, the Pepto Bismol also works to stop vomiting.

#5 Two other over-the-counter medicines can be given to dogs with diarrhea: Imodium AD (1 ml per lb. every 8 hours) and Kaopectate (1 ml per lb. every 2 hours).

Please heed this word of warning before you dispense human medications to your pet.
Vet or no vet? Advice on whether it's time to see the vet when your dog has diarrhea for more than 24 hours.

Ugly Dogs

2010-06-23T06:52:00.000-07:00

Ugliest Dog Competitions are the source of some controversy among dog lovers, because some see it as cruel mockery.

Well, I take the opposite view - those who own these dogs seem to love them without qualification, and it solidifies the fact that the bond that connects dogs with their human companions is far more than skin deep. Most of these dogs are also well-mannered and good-tempered beasts, and its impossible not to love them.

Unless, perhaps, they look like this:

That's Archie, who won the 2007 ugliest dog competition in Petaluma, CA. He was an abandoned pup, scheduled to be put down, before he was adopted. And now he's adored. It's a face only a mother could love.

We'll be sponsoring our own Ugly Dog contests in the days to come. Check back for more details.

"He's In Big Trouble!"

2010-06-21T08:10:00.001-07:00

The year was 2005. My father-in-law had just lost his dog, and my mother-in-law gave us permission to give him a new one. A neighbor had just had some pure-bred Shih Tzu pups, and the timing was perfect to make one of those puppies the perfect Christmas gift.

The problem was that my in-laws wouldn’t be coming down to visit for Christmas for about three weeks, which meant that this brand new puppy , which our children dubbed “Sparky,” would be staying at our house for a while.

Don’t get me wrong - Sparky was pleasant, cheerful, and a lot of fun to have around. It’s just that he was completely unclear on the whole “housebroken” concept. Consequently, he was the source of plenty of early Christmas presents, if you know what I mean. One of those presents has earned an eternal place in our family history, because it ended up in my four-year-old son’s ear.

It’s not that Sparky pooped directly in his ear, you understand. It’s that he climbed onto the bed, pooped right next to my son’s head. Then, as if on cue, my son rolled over and, with a single event, found it harder to hear and easier to smell.

Or, in his words, “Sparky pooped in my ear. He’s in big trouble.”

I suppose we should be grateful. Those two statements greatly expanded my son’s vocabulary and began the process of getting him to speak in complete sentences. Five years later, he still gets a kick out of telling that story, and so do I.

Sparky, however, has no comment.

Two Dogs Have I

2010-06-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

For years we've had a little dog,
Last year we acquired a big dog;
He wasn't big when we got him,
He was littler than the dog we had.
We thought our little dog would love him,
Would help him to become a trig dog,
But the new little dog got bigger,
And the old little dog got mad.

Now the big dog loves the little dog,
But the little dog hates the big dog,
The little dog is eleven years old,
And the big dog only one;
The little dog calls him Schweinhund,
The little dog calls him Pig-dog,
She grumbles broken curses
As she dreams in the August sun.

The big dog's teeth are terrible,
But he wouldn't bite the little dog;
The little dog wants to grind his bones,
But the little dog has no teeth;
The big dog is acrobatic,
The little dog is a brittle dog;
She leaps to grip his jugular,
And passes underneath.

The big dog clings to the little dog
Like glue and cement and mortar;
The little dog is his own true love;
But the big dog is to her
Like a scarlet rag to a Longhorn,
Or a suitcase to a porter;
The day he sat on the hornet
I distinctly heard her purr.

Well, how can you blame the little dog,
Who was once the household darling?
He romps like a young Adonis,
She droops like an old mustache;
No wonder she steals his corner,
No wonder she comes out snarling,
No wonder she calls him Cochon
And even Espèce de vache.

Yet once I wanted a sandwich,
Either caviar or cucumber,
When the sun had not yet risen
And the moon had not yet sank;
As I tiptoed through the hallway
The big dog lay in slumber,
And the little dog slept by the big dog,
And her head was on his flank.

- Ogden Nash

A Very Special Halloween Costume

2010-06-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

The Internet is a strange, strange place.

As I was writing about Hong Kong Phooey, an ancient cartoon about a dog superhero with a cool theme song, I assumed that I was the only person in the world who remembered or appreciated that show. It only ran for 16 episodes in the mid-Seventies, and given the amount of junk that’s been on television in the intervening years, I assumed that it was largely forgotten.

But the Internet never forgets.

Not only can you find video excerpts from the show itself, you can also buy Hong Kong Phooey merchandise! Granted, no one’s producing new Hong Kong Phooey material, but there’s old stuff out there that people have been hoarding for decades that can be yours if the price is right.

Check this out:

Yes, that’s a Hong Kong Phooey Halloween costume. That’s from the era when groovy Halloween costumes were a paper mask and a plastic jumpsuit, sold in a cardboard box at Toys R Us for under ten bucks.

They don’t make ‘em like they used to, which is a good thing, because I think they may have had asbestos in those.

But, still, even in 2010, you can go online and buy your own online Hong Kong Phooey costume. For only $125. Plus shipping and handling.

Come to think of it, maybe you might want to dress up as a hobo instead.

Separation Anxiety

2010-06-17T08:55:00.001-07:00

It’s been said that dogs look up to you; cats look down on you, but pigs treat you as equals.

Cats, therefore, don’t miss you much when you’re gone. Dogs do, however. Many of them suffer from separation anxiety, and some may be willing to act out to demonstrate how much they miss their masters. They’ll howl or bark, scratch the furniture, leave smelly presents, or even hurt themselves if they feel that’s the only way to get your attention.

Separation anxiety can be a result of a dog’s background. If you adopted your dog at a shelter, there’s a real possibility that dog was abandoned or neglected by its previous owner, which may manifest itself in the dog’s current behavior. Dogs also may have difficulty adapting to a drastic change, such as a move to a new neighborhood. If kids have some trepidation about making new friends, imagine how difficult it is for your dog.

There’s no silver bullet to cure separation anxiety, but there are ways to establish patterns to help your dog feel comfortable and confident. Dogs take their cue from you, so if you’re relaxed and at ease in the new environment, they are more likely to be the same. Try to downplay their extreme behavior when you leave or arrive at home. When the dog finally calms down, reward them with a treat or a toy. Positive reinforcement of good behavior does wonders to set the tone for a dog’s long-term well-being.

Exercise helps tremendously, too, both for dogs and for people. Running with your dog allows him to spend time with you and work off some stress, too. Apparently, some doctors seem to think that exercise is good for you. I’m still not convinced, but I pass the suggestion along just the same.

Another technique that helps is the idea of the “gradual departure.” In other words, grab your car keys and give the impression that you’re about to leave, and then don’t leave. Or leave for a few seconds and then come back. If your dog shows signs of anxiety during these mini-departures, be sure to wait until he’s calmed down before rewarding him. Many pet owners will feel the instinct to comfort the dog while he’s overreacting, but that simply validates the anxiety and exacerbates the problem.

Of course, you can always get a pig.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

2010-06-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

The absence of Conan O'Brien from the airwaves means that the funniest talking dog in history is in limbo, looking for a home.

If you've never seen Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, you're either easily offended or seriously deprived.

Behold Triumph's finest hour: at the premiere of Attack of the Clones in 2002...

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog - Star Wars - watch more funny videos

How to Make a Scarf Out Of Dog Hair

2010-06-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of a Bernese mountain dog scarf might appeal to some of you with less sensitive nostrils.

This scarf isn't a Bernese mountain dog scarf - it's made from the hair of a Collie and a Golden Retriever:

This was created by a woman named Betty Burian Kirk, and her website provides extensive information on how to collect, process, and spin dog hair into a lovely scarf or a knit hat. Ms. Kirk, for a modest fee, will be happy to produce the product for you. You can read all about it at her website, www.bbkirk.com. I provide here some relevant excerpts from her page to get you started.

From bbkirk.com:
_____________

Tips on Using Dog Hair Yarn

Treat it and care for it as if it were fine wool. Weavers should take care if it is to be used as a warp. I advise the use of a warp sizing. Knit or crocheted dog hair is NOT elastic like wool. Gauge a garment the same as if you were using a cotton thread or yarn. Dog hair yarn items should be lined if it will be worn against the skin. Dog hair yarn does shed some at first. It is almost too warm to wear unless an open or lacy pattern is used. Many like it as an accent yarn used for trim or in design areas. This reduces your cost and prevents a garment from being too warm or heavy.

Don't cut your handspun yarn, break it. When joining two ends, overlap for several inches. Do not use knots. Handspun yarns have occasional thin areas. These are usually structurally sound. If they bother you or keep occurring in the same place, your can break the yarn and remove the thin section. Because of the thin areas, handspun yarn has an irregular yardage per pound. This must be taken into consideration when estimating how much yarn is needed for a project. Yarn breaking occurs occasionally. Because dog hair is silky and short, it does not hold together as well as wool. Breakage will happen more often when a tight tension is used in knitting etc.

When you are ready to knit or create with your dog hair garment, lay out all the yarn skeins and evaluate them. Some yarn may be thinner than other yarn. This is more likely to occur when you have had yarn spun on two separate occasions. You will need to design your piece accordingly, such as having the bulk of the piece in one type of yarn and the trim in the other yarn or the pattern in one type of yarn and the background in the other. If it is a block design, alternate blocks in the different size yarns.

Care Recommendations

Wash dog hair items in warm water with a mild liquid detergent such as Ivory dish detergent or dog shampoo. Avoid agitating the item in the water. Rinse in water the same temperature as that used with the detergent. Never let water run on the yarn or garment. Fill the basin with water and then add the garment. Gently squeeze excess water out and roll in a towel or extract the water in the spin cycle of the automatic washing machine. Be sure there is NO WATER BEING SPRAYED IN THE SPIN CYCLE. Dry flat and block if desired.

For more information, including an FAQ about dog hair yarn, click here.

If A Dog Be Well Remembered

2010-06-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

"There is one best place to bury a dog.
"If you bury him in this spot, he will
come to you when you call - come to you
over the grim, dim frontier of death,
and down the well-remembered path,
and to your side again.

"And though you call a dozen living
dogs to heel, they shall not growl at
him, nor resent his coming,
for he belongs there.

"People may scoff at you, who see
no lightest blade of grass bent by his
footfall, who hear no whimper, people
who may never really have had a dog.
Smile at them, for you shall know
something that is hidden from them,
and which is well worth the knowing.

"The one best place to bury a good
dog is in the heart of his master."

--- Ben Hur Lampman ---
from the Portland Oregonian Sept. 11, 1925

Dog Statues

2010-06-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Since time immemorial, dogs have provided a cost-effective security system by barking like mad whenever a stranger shows up. But Neiman Marcus has come up with an idea that allows you to have “Stoic hounds… ready to stand guard wherever you should need them” without actually providing any real benefit whatsoever.

Dog statues.

Yes, for only $395, plus $40 shipping and handling, you can have one of these weird-looking statues plopped outside your front door or hanging out on your lawn somewhere.

They have left-facing and right-facing statues, so you can get the set in the picture for just under a thousand bucks. Apparently, the statues are “not susceptible to mold, mildew, or other problems common to natural materials,” so that’s something, I guess.

If you really must have a dog statue, though, I would direct your attention to a much cheaper – and stranger – solution. For $29.99 at Amazon.com, you can get your very own plastic statue of a Pug dog pretending to pee on something.

Three customers have reviewed the statue and given it an average of five stars. “The statue looks so real,” raves Kathryn from Richmond, Virginia, “that when I took a photo and emailed it, my friends thought I had gotten a Pug!!” I think those friends thought a lot more than that, too, but they were too polite to say anything.

There are plenty more options available out there, but, for my money, real dogs are much more satisfying, even if they are susceptible to mold, mildew, or other problems common to natural materials. And they don’t just pretend to pee.

Dogs Are Good For You

2010-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Two British guys named Mugford and Comisky performed an experiment back in 1974. They divided up a group of elderly patients and gave half of them their own bird. The other half got their own plant. I’ll leave it to you to decide which one got the better end of the deal.

Looking at the results, it’s pretty hard not to side with the bird people. Those with pets now had a new subject of conversation to share with visitors. Consequently, they became more engaged in discussions about Polly wanting a cracker instead of their aches and pains. They also demonstrated a significant increase of visitors to their nursing facilities, because they were more anxious to engage with other people as a result. Plants, apparently, can brighten up a room, but they don’t make for very good company.

Similar studies with dogs tell an even more powerful story. (that makes sense to me - nobody has ever accused a bird of being Man’s Best Friend, even if their vocabulary exceeds that of the average dachshund.)

According to a 1990 study, dog owners were far less likely to have minor illnesses then cat owners or those with no pets at all. They showed marked improvement in psychological well-being, in confidence and security, and were far less concerned about being victims of crime.

They also exercised more as a result of walking the dog on a regular basis. The study came to the conclusion that “pet ownership can have a positive impact on human health and behaviour, and that in some cases these effects are relatively long lasting.”

More recent studies confirm what we already knew – dogs are good for you. They help you stay strong physically; they provide unconditional emotional support, and they can even provide a sense of purpose to those who think that life has passed them by.

So, if you’re feeling down, you can spend an awful lot of money and pay some psychiatric guy to talk to you for hundreds of dollars an hour about your childhood, or you can run around the block with your dog.

Psychiatrists slobber less, but dogs have the advantage everywhere else.

Let Slip the Dogs of Shakespeare

2010-06-09T00:00:00.000-07:00

William Shakespeare is considered the greatest writer of all time, according to the people who consider such things. But if that’s the case, why does he give dogs such a bad time?

Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men; 
As hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, 
Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves, are 'clept 
All by the name of dogs: the valued file  
Distinguishes the swift, the slow, the subtle, The housekeeper, the hunter, every one 
According to the gift which bounteous nature 
Hath in him closed.
- Shakespeare, Macbeth

He talks about the “dogs of war” in Antony and Cleopatra, and King Lear whines about the little dogs that bark at him. Julius Caesar says he would “rather be a dog, and bay the moon,  than such a Roman.” Since he doesn’t think highly of the Roman in question, this isn’t really a strong selling point for dogs.

I think the answer lies in Two Gentleman of Verona, a play where a comic relief character by the name of Launce complains about his dog at length in an oft-repeated monologue.

I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear. He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. … Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a word!
- Shakespeare, Two Gentlemen of Verona

There's considerably more to that monologue, but it doesn't matter. Nobody ever hears a word of it. Everyone’s too busy paying attention to the dog, who’s usually scratching himself in inappropriate places – or worse.

There’s a reason WC Fields refused to work with children or animals – they get all the laughs. Shakespeare, himself an actor as well as a playwright, clearly envied the applause his canine companions would get.

Yes, that’s right – Shakespeare was jealous of dogs. It’s not a popular literary theory, but I stand by it just the same. (I also think Shakespeare was actually a pseudonym used by Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford, so what do I know?)

Daily Brushing for Dogs and Teenagers

2010-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Cleaning your dog is difficult if the dog is an unwilling participant. In order for a dog to willing submit him or herself to a cleaning regime, they need to be trained from the outset. The cats, it seems, got all the natural instincts for grooming. Left to their own devices, dogs have the grooming habits of a thirteen year-old boy who sleep with their skateboards. (Although thirteen-year-old boys do tend to slobber more.)

Experts suggest that a puppy be introduced to a brush within the first three weeks of their life. This gets difficult if you adopt your dog at a later stage in life, but it’s the same with any training regimen. You can teach an old dog new tricks; it just takes more patience and time. It’s the same with teenagers, too, but dogs will probably be willing to be seen with you in public.

The bottom line: set predictable ground rules. Grooming time is not playtime, and the dog needs to know that. The routine should likely begin with ten-minute increments and increase as necessary, depending on how long the dog’s coat is. The time should be the same each day, so the dog knows what to expect and when.

In order to decrease that lovely natural dog smell, brushing the coat should begin at the end of the hair and work its way down to the skin. Some mistakenly believe that short-haired dogs don’t require grooming. Certainly the ablutions will take less time depending on hair length, but it’s not a good idea to neglect the shorthairs just because the dirt is difficult to see. Like teenagers, you will likely be able to smell them before you see them if you let them run wild.

It’s also important to get your dog to relax and enjoy the ride. Grooming doesn’t have to be a tedious exercise, and it can be a great opportunity to bond with your dog. (Not so much with teenagers, obviously, but you’re going to have to find another blog to help you out there.)

Newsprint and Dog Biscuits

2010-06-07T06:52:00.001-07:00

Throughout my life, the dogs have always been awake before I am.

That’s not a huge accomplishment nowadays, but back in the early 80s when I was a freshly scrubbed paperboy delivering copies of the Los Angeles Daily News, I was out on the street at 5:00 AM. The paper route was initially small enough that I could walk the whole thing in about 45 minutes, lugging several dozen newspapers in a makeshift, two-sided gunnysack that was serviceable without being sexy.

I learned early in my career that delivering papers directly to people’s doorsteps instead of in their driveways made for really good tips at collection time. I even went so far as to pick up the copy of the far-superior rival newspaper, the LA Times, and bring that up to the doorstep with me.

That’s where the dogs come in to the story.

When you fling a paper on a driveway from a moving car, the dog generally doesn’t have an opinion on the matter. But when you’re tromping around in a big canvas bag to the front door, they tend to notice.

They notice, and then they bark.

I tried to avoid this by tromping more quietly, but I soon discovered that it wasn’t the noise; it was the smell. I had a distinctive inky, newsprinty, prepubescent paperboy odor that the dogs could sniff out from thirty yards away. Most of these dogs were outside, right behind a fence near the front door, and they began to bark like mad when I came into range. This was kind of unpleasant for the customers who preferred to sleep through their newspaper delivery process. I needed to fix this.

The solution? Dog biscuits.

All it took was a handful of Milkbones hurled across the fence upon my approach, and the barking stopped instantly. There was a lot more scurrying as the dogs went to collect their bounty, but I was usually out of there before any canines could get angry and start yelping for more. The one exception to this was the house with two mountain-sized St Bernards, who stared out at me and started slobbering upon my approach. I would hurl a biscuit across the fence, and then they’d catch in their mouths and swallow it whole. It was fascinating and disturbing at the same time.

Looking back, I’m not sure how happy the owners would have been had they known that their paperboy had become a significant component in their dog’s daily diet regime, but it didn’t matter to me at the time. All I cared about was that the dogs were quiet, the paper was delivered, and I got a big tip that month.

Besides, what did they care? They got to stay asleep!

Cat Stevens: I Love My Dog

2010-06-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

When I was lamenting the lack of dog songs in popular music, a friend of mine pointed out that the best one he could find came from a man named Cat.

So, for your Ice Scream Sunday, here it is:

The Alpo Drop

2010-06-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's been famously said that the difference between dogs and cats is that you can leave a cat for a few days with a big pile of food and a clean litter box, and all will be well. You try the same thing with a dog, however, and he'll eat the whole thing in three seconds and leave enough poop around the house to last a lifetime.

I've never owned a dog that was satisfied with dry dog food. In fact, I've never had a dog who didn't finish the meal I gave him before it hit the ground. That's a literal fact, and, while it may not speak well for me, I thought I'd pass along these feeding tips for people who don't want to be troubled with taking more than a full minute to provide a dog with a meal.

I called it the Alpo Drop. Don't worry - it works with generic brands, too.

Our dogs growing up were big ol' beasts - German Shepherds, black labs, and a Bernese Mountain Dog. The minute you pulled the Alpo out of the pantry, the tails started wagging, the dogs started yelping,. and the expectation was that unless you opened said can and plopped it in their mouths, they would probably eat you. So that didn't give me much time to respond.

I used an electric can opener and opened the Alpo, and I would pound the side of the can against the counter top precisely three times. That loosened the slop within enough that I could then shake it out of the can. It held its shape as it slurped out, like some kind of meaty gelatin. With these dogs, the food never hit the floor. In fact, it barely made it out of the can. They would open their mouths and seemingly swallow it whole.

I don't know if this was good for them, or whether you folks should try this at home. All I know is that I could be watching some stupid sitcom and feed the dogs during the commercial break when Lorne Greene was selling Alpo.

I don't sell Alpo. I live it!

Obnoxious Dog Costumes

2010-06-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Krypto the SuperDog. Beppo the SuperMonkey. Mighty Mouse. Batmite. Gleek. Sure, animals have a long tradition of superheroing, but it’s always been hard to find the right outfit for your Canine Crusader.

Until now.

Amazon.com is now selling superhero costumes for your dog that will guarantee to embarrass them in front of their friends. For only $12.99, you can deck your poor dog out in a Superman outfit, something Superman himself would never do. Krypto the SuperDog only wore a cape, for crying out loud, although you have to wonder how he kept the cape clean after a day of super bone burying.

Look at the picture of the dog they had model this thing. Does he look miserable or what?

Well, if you want to make your own dog equally miserable, click here and buy your own. If you must buy a ridiculous costume for your faithful companion that doesn't deserve that kind of abuse, please don’t get one of these stupid Spiderman outfits. For crying out loud, look at that thing they have on his head.

Thankfully, they’ve marked this junk down so far that you can be confident that very few pet owners have such little respect for their dogs. That renews my faith in truth, justice, and the American way.

What was Batmite, anyway?

How to Housebreak

2010-06-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

Much is made about how divided we are as a nation, yet there are still several undeniable truths that everyone can agree upon. Here are the top three:

1. There’s no such thing as a good toupee.
2. Bob Dylan should never have recorded a Christmas album.

And, most importantly,

3. Nobody wants an incontinent dog.

Training your dog not to pee on the furniture is, or should be, the first order of business for any pet owner. And that’s an important first priority, because experts say that the whole housebreaking process should take place between the ages of eight and twelve weeks old. (Or between fifty-six and eighty-four weeks in dog weeks.) The idea that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks doesn’t matter much when you’re talking about teaching a dog to fetch a ball, but if your dog reaches his first birthday and is still leaving you unwanted presents around the house, that’s a bit more of a problem.

For younger dogs, the idea of setting up a crate where the dog can sleep is very helpful, as dogs aren’t willing to soil their sleeping turf. This crate shouldn’t be a place where the dog goes when he’s being punished, and the dog shouldn’t spend more than a couple of hours there at a time. Since puppies, on average, have to relieve themselves every three hours or so, their schedules will usually accommodate benign, short-term incarcerations.

Dogs are essentially creatures of habit, so if you take them out to do their business at the same time every day, they’ll be sure to hold it in until their appointment. The more regimented you can make this process, the better. Try taking the dog out the same door for each potty break, because then they’re more likely to scratch at that door the next time they want to get out for any future, unscheduled private time.

As always, praise is the greatest reinforcement you can provide. You don’t even have to be specific about the quality or quantity of the dog’s output – just “good boy” and a pat on the head will probably suffice. You’ll never know just how far a little praise can go. If my parents had been willing to do that for me during my own potty training, I’d have probably become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Dog Music

2010-05-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

Popular music hasn’t been too kind to the canine.

Once upon a time that wasn’t the case. In days gone by, everyone was asking how much is that doggy in the window. But the dogs in the songs I grew up with were either nasty – the mean junkyard dog in “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” – or worthless – Elvis Presley’s “Hound Dog” – or an afterthought used to complete a rhyme – “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo.”

That last one really ticks me off.

I mean, the dog named Boo doesn’t figure into the story at all. This guy is travelling all over the place living off the earth and stealing from hens or whatever, and the dog’s just along for the ride. The guy’s car gets more play in the tune than Boo does. And if his name were Herbie or Sheldon or some other nonsense, he wouldn’t have even gotten a mention at all. Try singing “Me and You and a Dog named Floyd” and you’ll see what I mean.

It’s not that people don’t love their dogs; it’s just that it’s hard to incorporate dog love into a song that rocks. I speak from experience. I consider myself something of a songwriter, and I choose odd subjects for my songs. I have a hard time taking soulful, dippy ballads seriously, especially those written to animals. (“Wildfire?” I mean, what is that? A love song to a dead horse? Please.)

Writing a song requires a line or a hook to get you into the groove, and on at least one occasion, that hook involved a dog. Out of nowhere, I started humming a line that I added words to, and the words were as follows:

“Got a load of birdseed and fed it to my dog.”

A fine, absurdist beginning. So then, of course, what happens next? Well, the bird can’t be too happy about that, can he?

So the next line was, naturally:

“The bird got very angry.”

That doesn’t rhyme, but it gives me somewhere to go. We have tension here. Drama. Bird vs. Dog. It’s kind of like Jay vs. Conan, only different.

So I took this and ran with it.

“The bird got very angry, and said I shouldn’t hog
All the seed for the dog when the bird needs it more
That was the start of the dog/birdie war.”

The song went from there into an epic battle where bullfrogs get shaved and animals are hitting each other with Wiffle Ball bats.

You can hear the demo here. It was recorded entirely by me, which won’t seem all that impressive once you actually hear the song.

That’s why we dare you to do better.

In the coming weeks, we’re going to offer exciting opportunities to songwriting dog lovers who want to make the dog ditty hip again. Check back next Wednesday for more details. In the meantime, keep your dogs away from the birdseed unless you have plenty of Wiffle Ball bats on hand.